Their Things
by Elle Siege
Summary: Barson. Picking up from a scene in 19x03 "Contrapasso", that made me feel like there was so much left to explore if the show was the type to focus on Olivia and Rafael's relationship and how it developed, as much as the cases. This story is how I think they might have navigated their personal lives. Feedback welcome.
1. Chapter 1

_Barson fic, that picks up from a scene in 19x03 "Contrapasso" (15 minutes in if you want to watch it!). I binge watched SVU recently and I love these characters paired together (I almost can't bring myself to watch it with Stone in, even though I loved Chicago Justice!). This scene made me feel like there was so much left to explore if the show was the type to focus on their relationship as well as the cases. This idea flowed out of my fingers in a few hours, I've tried to BETA it, but I might be a bit blind to my errors now - apologies in advance!_

 _The type highlighted in bold are not my words, they are taken directly from the episode, and belong to the writers of SVU. The rest is me._

 _Please be kind! I'm not a regular poster, but felt brave! I'm already continuing the next chapter too :-)_

—

Their Things.

—

Olivia sat in her office surrounded by her whole team, she and Barba had been mid conversation when the rest had all piled in to debate the current case.

" **The three women got together 20 years after high school, and within a few hours, one of their teachers is found castrated in a hotel room."** Olivia said with conviction; she loved when she and Barba sparred, even if they had an audience. **"What's the presumed motive?"** The DA infront of her questioned back.

" **It wasn't for giving them all C's…"** Fin mumbled from the back of the room. You could always trust him to be ready with a quip. Olivia brushed over it and replied to Rafael, **"Given the nature of the injury, there's a sexual motivation behind this."**

" **It explains why Karr won't talk."** Rollins added.

Barba turned to address Amanda, " **I can't prosecute the assault, unless the victim makes an ID."** He knew he could take them all on, in fact he secretly liked it. They were a good team, and they challenged each other, it was a special mutual respect that made him feel like part of their unit, even if sometimes he had to be on the other side.

It was Carisi's turn to jump in, **"Okay, well how about we charge the three women with obstruction?"**. Barba wondered for a fleeting moment if Carisi knew his 'hero swooping in to battle' act for Rollins was obvious to everyone. He found Carisi irritating at times, he was sharp but his delivery could seriously lack, Barba knew he meant well though, and frankly he loved to wind him up.

" **For asserting their fifth amendment rights?"** Barba threw back without hesitation.

" **After they lied to us, and after they obfuscated our investigation?** Carisi pushed again.

" **Ooh, obfuscate. Yummy."** Barba followed with a smirk. Yep, it was definitely fun.

" **Hold on Rafa.."**

Olivia heard his nickname slip from her lips before her brain could engage. Her heart and stomach fluttered in tandem for a thousand reasons, together she and Rafael had built an agreed wall between their work life and their ever more intertwining, but undefined, personal life. She thanked to high heaven for his perfected courtroom poker face being the reason he didn't react, not a muscle flinched in him, and it helped her push on by, continuing to consider out loud Carisi's suggestion with her team.

Barba caught her eye, and in an imperceptible look that the team would never pick up on, they practically had a whole conversation. The last 6 years meant that they had developed an ability to read each other, and in this moment she knew she wouldn't hear the end of this when they escaped 'work world' and it was just them. She silently shelved 'Rafa' for later, and addressed 'Barba'.

" **An obstruction charge would certainly leverage some cooperation, if you can't prove the crime, prove the cover up."** Olivia finished her sentence as normally as she could summon, praying her team hadn't picked up her accidental disclosure.

Poker face still in place, Rafael stood from his chair and collected his things, parting with **"You do have reasonable cause for an arrest, but my advice is get Jason Karr on board, or this train is going nowhere".**

Rafael was a little surprised at her trip up, but not really that bothered, it was bound to happen at some point, regardless of the agreement they had. He was now only ever Barba at work, and Rafa outside, to her, and to Noah. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time she called him by his full name. He just hoped the rest of the squad didn't try to use her nickname for him too. It wasn't that he didn't like it, it was more that he wanted to protect their 'thing'. Not even Lucia called him Rafa, he was Rafi to his Mother. These little 'things' defined what had become his bubble with Liv and Noah.

As much as he held her nickname for him as important though, he wasn't above using it to tease her a little. He was a lawyer, and he had leverage! He shot her a text message as he waited for the lift in their office, " _So it's Rafa everywhere now huh!? ;-) x_ ". He knew she'd be kicking herself, so he added wink and a kiss to hopefully convey he was joking. He also knew full well that with the words he'd sent, he'd opened himself up to a multitude of potential 'below the belt' responses too, but he secretly hoped it would provoke some more of their daily flirting. As he got out of the lift he still hadn't seen the bubble appear on his phone showing her replying to him, she must still be with her team he thought. He pocketed his phone, and headed back to his office, if he could make a dent in his Everest of paperwork before the team came up with more evidence for the Karr case he just might be able to get out on time tonight.

Back at the precinct, Olivia felt ambushed, how could this be happening. Why couldn't the universe let her have a little settled happiness? It was one thing after the other. Just as she had been vindicated in the investigation into Noah's bruises and the flurry of fear it had sent through her that she might just lose him dissipated, Ellie Porters mother appeared jeopardising her family all over again. Ellie had a living mother? How the hell hadn't this been uncovered before? Olivia felt the room going hazy and the all engulfing presence of fear made her feel sick right through to her toes. She felt herself begin to be enveloped in a cold wash that flooded through her, but she was Lieutenant Olivia Benson, she had a team, a victim, and a case relying on her to steer. She took the deepest of breaths, stared at a point on the ceiling allowing the tears that formed in her eyes to dry, and she pulled herself together. She couldn't deal with this now, she had to focus, crumbling in her office wouldn't help anyone and no one was getting near Noah today.

The day wore on, and finally Evelyn had been compliant with their investigation, so it meant the case had gathered pace. The team had picked up Karr, and Olivia dealt with the backlash from his angry wife; she had almost cracked as she shared that Noah was her reason to carry on, who made things worth it. She desperately wanted the day to end, to get home to her son, Olivia was thankful that this was a day she could quickly escape from. Rollins and Carisi had everything under control, so she ignored the paperwork pile on her desk, her phone, her to do list, grabbed her jacket and made a bee line for the door. Work was done, and now she needed to grant herself some time with her boy, and to battle the meteor that had crashed into her office earlier in the day in the shape of Trevor Langham.

Barba had been a little surprised not to hear back from Olivia at all the rest of the afternoon, even when she was busy she always replied something, sometimes even just an ' _X_ ' so he knew she was okay. He dialled Olivia's number and trapped his phone between his ear and shoulder as he packed up this briefcase for the evening. It wasn't as early as he had hoped, he'd definitely missed Noah's bedtime today, but the SVU team had found the leverage they needed for their warrant to arrest Karr in no time at all, he was feeling fairly ready for court in the morning but he still felt like there were details he wanted to hash out with Olivia. He didn't NEED to per se, but it had become another of their 'things', to sit at his or her place, eat take away, and go over their cases.

Never in his career had he conducted work outside of the office with anyone else, but it was a natural development for them, and they spent their evenings together more often than not, work or no work. The phone rang out to her voicemail, Rafael dropped the phone into his hand and stared at the screen, 8.42pm, definitely past Noah's bedtime, and not a Lucy night. Where was she? He felt a pang of worry, something didn't sit right. This wasn't normal; there wasn't a raid, he hadn't heard of them catching a new case, the current one was in hand. He switched the light of his office off, looked for Carmen only to find she was gone for the evening, and headed down the steps to find an Uber to take him home. _His other home. Was it his home?_ To Olivia's.

Thankfully, and by some miracle, the New York city traffic was on his (and the pit of worry in his stomach) side, so he made it to her building in quick time. He stood outside her door and knocked, not too hard to wake up Noah, but enough for her to hear. No answer. The wait was forever, the silence, no shuffle behind the door, was deafening. He nearly put his ear up against her door, but at the last moment stopped himself; that was weird, and if the neighbours saw him, who knows what they'd think. But the pit in his stomach was growing. No answer wasn't right, Noah would be in bed, someone had to be here, even if it wasn't Liv. Rafaels brain suddenly went to the all the worst corners of his mind. He tried her phone again, as he pulled a bunch of keys out his pocket and picked out hers. Olivia had given him a key some time ago, it wasn't just a 'just incase' key, it was a 'you'll beat me home with take away' key, an 'I promised Noah I'd read him a story' key, a 'we're something but I don't know what, but I like you being here and you like being here too' key. The phone rang out again, and he reasoned with himself in the hallway. He would open the door. She gave him a key, it wasn't breaking and entering. If she wasn't there he'd leave, and figure out plan B, probably ring Fin and then maybe search every hospital in Manhattan. If she was there, he'd deal with any backlash there would be, if any, for letting himself in with no plans to be there. What he was sure of, is he couldn't leave without knowing. Flashbacks of Lewis flitted through his mind and suddenly he felt his composure slip. He slipped the key into the lock and opened the door.

The lights were on, he didn't know whether to be a little relieved or let the alarm bells ring louder in his head. He tentatively called out, "Liv?". No answer. He surveyed the room, Lego was strewn across the coffee table. Normal. Noah's dinner plate set on the breakfast bar. Normal. TV off. Not totally abnormal. Then he clocked her jacket from today slung over the chair, he could never keep his eyes off her and he was a details man, he knew that was the one she had had on. The alarm bells got louder, he dropped his briefcase by the door, stepping further into the familiar apartment. "Liv? Are you here?". Nothing again. What the hell was going on? He headed to Noah's room to check on his other favourite human, suddenly not knowing what he wanted to find there. As he rounded the corner, the relief tumbled out of him, there she was sat in Noah's room on the edge of the 'decorative' toy box. "Thank god". But his relief was short lived, Olivia still hadn't looked at him. Her eyes were trained on a peacefully sleeping Noah, her hands grabbed the edge of the box she was sat on as if steadying herself. Instantly Rafael was worried for another reason, he just didn't know what it was.

"Liv?" He said a little louder. This time his voice seemed to penetrate the trance she was in, and she turned to look at him, her eyes were tired and face was drawn. His heart ached for a beat, as he quietly stepped forward and held out his hand to her, she grabbed it, still staring at her son, but a gentle tug and Olivia let him lead her out of the room. Rafael pulled Noah's door almost closed, and lead her wordlessly to the kitchen.

Once Liv had got home earlier that evening, she had let Noah engulf her time, she hadn't wanted anything else to cross her mind. They had played and she let herself get wrapped up in his innocent, carefree imagination. She'd let him eat his favourite dinner, normally saved for a weekend treat, and she'd relished in cuddles in front of the TV a little longer past his bedtime. By the time she tucked him in, it had only taken half a book, a couple of questions about when he'd see Rafa next, and a promise of the park at the weekend before he'd succumbed to sleep. But Olivia hadn't been able to exit the room, she felt rooted to the spot, unable to leave her son. Partly because she knew that the second she left the room she would have to face the events of the day. Partly because here in his room, his soft breathing, amongst his toys and childhood, she felt she could stop time, and not deal with the possibility she could lose her world to a grandmother she knew nothing about before today.

Olivia hadn't heard Rafael enter her apartment, she didn't even know how long she'd been sat there in Noah's room, but he'd appeared in the doorway pulling her from a daze. Only in that moment had she felt she could leave safety of her son's room, knowing the other person that gave her the same safety net was with her. She allowed herself to be guided through to the kitchen, she focused on his strong, warm hand holding hers. It wasn't the first time they'd held hands, but it also wasn't the norm. Some nights watching TV their hands would come silently together in comfort, or if they'd been out for a post work drink his hand would find hers as he lead her out onto the street, and it would stay there as they made their way home. It was another of their undiscussed 'things', it just happened, and neither of them seemed to mind. But tonight, his hand bought her back into the room, a simple hold felt like it was wrapped around her whole body, keeping her safely protected.

Olivia leant with her back against the kitchen counter, Rafael let go of her hand for the first time and rested his palms either side of her on the surface. He was impossibly close to her, on any other day this type of closeness would have had her struggling not to close the gap of just a couple of inches to feel his whole body pressed up against hers, to kiss him in the ways that normally she couldn't keep out of her head, but it was today, and today was not the day she could even contemplate those feelings. She was all consumed with the prospect of losing Noah.

"Liv, talk to me", she heard him say gently, full of care, emotion, and concern, in a way that he only spoke to her. This wasn't work Barba, this was her Rafa. "Ellie Porter's mother is alive, and she wants Noah" she whispered. Olivia heard the breath expel from Rafael as she fell into him. He caught her easily. She noticed he was still in his shoes and coat, and it made him a couple of inches taller than her, she buried her face into his neck breathing in his comforting scent, and held on for dear life.

Rafael didn't know what he expected Olivia to say, but it definitely wasn't that. _What. The. Hell._ He felt sick. Noah might not officially be his son too, but he was the closest thing to fatherhood Rafael had ever experienced. He hadn't ever thought children were for him, choosing instead to pour himself into his love of his work, but it hadn't taken long for him to fall under Noah's spell, he felt fiercely protective of the boy, and knew without a doubt that he would do anything for him regardless of whatever he and Olivia were or weren't. He really hoped they would be a 'were' someday, but it was a messy situation and it felt like they would be gambling with a lot. Sure, they had definitely fallen into something that was more than best friends, she was 'his person', his confidant, happiness, partner. But what kind of partner wasn't something they had discussed or defined.

There was a lot of flirting that had intensified lately, touches and brushes that sent bolts of electricity through him, moments together that made them feel like they were high school crushes. At the same time, they were adults, they shared so much; they worked in harmony in every way, they battled the tough things together even when they weren't in agreement, they sense checked things, appreciative of each other's intelligence, he trusted her implicitly, and for the first time in his life he had let more of himself be known than he had with anyone else, and he felt like she had been just as honest.

The only thing he hadn't been truly honest with her about, was the gravity of how he felt. That he'd fallen in love with Olivia, and Noah, and could no longer picture his life without them, the people he had come to see as his family. That felt like an awful lot to drop on someone that had been through so much though, and he was more terrified of the repercussions and losing them both if Olivia didn't reciprocate, than he was of keeping his secret in. It was that secret truth that made Rafael feel like whoever this relative of Ellie Porter was, she was trying to take Noah from him too.

This wasn't the time to self indulge though, he went into fight and protect mode, and scooped Liv up into his arms. To hell with feelings and trying to maintain a safe distance so not to cross a line they couldn't come back from, in that moment, none of that mattered, Rafael just needed to be there to hold her together, to be her courage, and selfishly he needed some of the comfort he got from holding her too. His heart was racing, if she said anything he'd say it was the news, but really it was finally being this close to her. His head might be processing the news bomb she had just dropped, but his subconscious heart still soared at having her in his arms. He let his hand reach up into her hair and into the nape of her neck, and his other wrap around her waist pulling her as close to him as he could, they just stood there trying to take strength from each other. Knowing one of them needed to take the next step, he closed his eyes and counted to 10, giving himself 10 more seconds to cuddle her, not knowing if or when he'd ever get the chance again, and 10 more seconds before having to face dissecting what she'd just told him.

As he reached zero (he granted himself that extra second, it was perhaps the slowest countdown he'd ever done) Rafael slowly released her, moving his hands to her shoulders and locking eyes with hers. "Before we do anything, go and change. Get comfortable. Have you eaten?" She shook her head. "Okay," and he pushed her gently in the direction of her room.

Olivia was thankful that he hadn't immediately launched into question time, she needed that moment they'd just had to gather herself. God it felt so good. She had actually managed to switch off and just lose herself in him. She was also thankful that he was taking charge, normally she would have stood toe to toe with him and bantered. But tonight, she was happy for him to make the decisions. She changed into her pajama bottoms and her favourite Harvard jumper. It was too big for her, because it wasn't originally hers, but she'd had it so long and worn it so much that she'd claim squatter's rights over it any day. She scraped her hair back into a ponytail, and glanced at herself in the mirror. There were only two people on the planet that ever saw her like this, and they were both in her apartment right now.

She padded back out towards the living room, and found Rafa sat on the edge of her sofa staring into space. He had shed his coat, tie, and shoes, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and undone the top couple of buttons. His hair was a little mussed, like he'd been running his fingera through it. Olivia loved this version of Rafa, and loved even more that she knew she was one of very few people who saw him this way. He turned and got up as he heard her enter the room towards him, she was wearing his things. Again. _Dios mío,_ he internally groaned. His clothes definitely looked better on her, he'd long said goodbye to his favourite Harvard jumper too, and regardless of their current predicament, he was a hot blooded male who was incredibly attracted to this woman as it was. His heart fluttered, and he tried his best to quell the heat he felt rising, this was not this time at all.

Over time, some of their belongings had made their way to each other's apartments; clothing, spares, just stuff, and Liv had laid claim to that particular piece after an evening at his where they'd got caught in a freak downpour, and got soaked dashing from the cab to his building. She'd worn it home, and then refused to let it leave the threshold of her place again, arguing that it would be good to keep it in case he ever needed it. He hadn't given a rebuttal, didn't even point out that he had a spare suit and cosy clothes there already, he didn't really mind that she had it. It was their thing.

He held out his hand and pulled her to the sofa into him. 'To hell with feelings' still his motto for the night. She angled her body into him, and his hand found hers holding it to his chest, his other arm around her holding her tight. His thumb absent mindedly stroked a bare patch of skin and her arm curled around his waist. He dropped his chin onto her head, thinking about what to say next, she was intoxicating, and being intertwined like this, despite the circumstances, was something he'd dreamed of, he just needed a few moments to compartmentalise. Then they could figure this out together.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, "I ordered Pizza for us" he murmured into her hair. Rafael shifted from underneath her and went to retrieve his wallet from the kitchen. The door knocked again, "I'll get it" Olivia called back to him. She looked through her peephole, confused, she opened the door, it was a woman who looked a little familiar, and she wasn't holding a pizza.

Sensing a situation, Rafael came to the door behind Olivia, and was met with a woman he'd never seen before. At least, he didn't think so. "Olivia Benson?" the stranger asked. As Olivia answered "Yes", she felt Rafa's hand on the small of her back. "I'm Noah's Grandmother". And like that, their bubble burst. He felt Olivia stiffen, ready to pounce into Mama Bear mode. He knew so little of the details, but the lawyer in him knew if she was making a case for custody rights to Noah, she shouldn't be here.

"I'm not sure this is appropriate" Liv heard Rafael address the woman in front of her, she was grateful for his inherent knowledge of the law because she wasn't sure her mouth could form words. She was shocked at the similarity to Ellie, fuming that she had the audacity to turn up on her doorstep, and paralysed with fear that this was suddenly very real.

"And you are?" Sheila queried him, she clearly had only been informed of Olivia and Noah, there was no reason for him to come up. "A question to ask through your lawyer Ms Porter. I'm sure you came here with good intent, but this is inappropriate for the circumstances and time of night. Perhaps we could continue this during daylight hours". Rafaels words were delivered with careful balance, they weren't unkind or accusatory, his lawyer mask was on. He was in Barba mode. Sheila, understanding his request wasn't unreasonable, curtly nodded her head, and turned to leave.

Rafael reached around Olivia to close the door, and turn the lock. She felt stunned. This situation was snowballing, how had this woman found out where they lived? Suddenly she felt exposed and vulnerable. Lieutenant Benson, Fearless Warrior, was at work and not present in the solace of her apartment right now. She looked at Rafael, her Rafa was back in the place of Barba. He clearly, for once in his life, didn't know what to say either, so he simply leant forward, pulling her to him and resting his forehead on hers. She flitted her eyes closed, giving herself a moment to try and calm, as she felt him move and place a soft, lingering kiss on her forehead. That action alone told her everything that hadn't formed as words, he was here with her not just to fight this battle, but all battles. She wasn't alone. This thing was theirs to conquer together, for what she strongly suspected was the mutual love of Noah. With that, she felt the walls of resolve around her heart begin to fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - I'm not an expert in the law, so please take with a pinch of salt! Again, I don't have a BETA, so apologies for any mistakes, but I am happy to have feedback to fix them! :-)**

 **Chapter 2**

Rafael Barba sat at his desk in One Hogan Place tapping his pen absent mindedly on the pad in front of him. His work load was heavy but he couldn't focus. Not today. All he could think about was the case with Noah, Liv was in family court and he was waiting for an update. If he was honest, he also couldn't stop thinking about how much his life had changed for the better in less than 24 hours. How for the first time in as long as he could remember, despite the stress and strain Sheila Porter had brought to Olivia's doorstep the previous night, he had woken up content that morning.

After Sheila Porter had left, they had held each other close. Something implicitly changed between them, and he knew it wasn't something that he could go back from. Liv had turned the key to expose his heart, he had sensed her guard was down too; the gravity of what they faced with Noah was far bigger than either of their individual inhibitions, and it united them on a level that they never had been before. So in that moment, Rafael had thrown caution from his mind, trusted her like he knew he was asking her to trust him with Noah, and laid himself bare with her.

 _(Flashback)_

 _Liv's voice spoke, barely audible, from the crook of his neck. "Rafa, will you stay? I don't want t…". "Oh mi amor, you couldn't get rid of me if you tried. Not tonight." as he dropped his head to kiss her temple once more. He carefully chose his words in Spanish, testing the waters, holding his breath waiting for her to recoil from him, but she didn't. "I'll be out here, if you need anything at all". At his statement, he felt Liv lift her head from him and look him in the eyes, it felt like she was searching his soul, but perhaps she was just looking for the words to say, he wasn't sure. "Rafa" Liv shook her head a little and half a laugh escaped her, "I know we need to talk, I know at some point we have to comprehend all_ _ **this**_ _, but I.. I just can't tonight. All I know is, I don't want to stop holding your hand, and I definitely don't want to sleep on this sofa. I'm tired of thinking, so perhaps we just stop, and we both agree we are adult humans that can control themselves in the same bed for one night?" Rafael flitted his eyes between hers, just taking a moment to construct his next play, "So I only have to control myself around you just for tonight?" His trade mark smirk briefly crossed his face, making Liv laugh. There's a sound Rafael didn't think he'd hear tonight, and it felt good knowing despite her turmoil, he could shed some light into her world._

 _It was then, that Rafael's heart took over his body, with a boost of confidence, his hand crept around the back of her head, fingers entwined in her hair, and before his brain could analyse his hearts actions he dipped forward to brush his lips against hers. It wasn't heavy, or long. It was perfectly sweet, giving her every chance to reject him. Liv felt her breath hitch in her throat, he had kissed her. He had actually kissed her. Suddenly everything about her most awful day paused, and she leant forward to kiss him back. Their second kiss was more sensual than the first, them both feeling more confident. Liv felt his tongue on her lip begging for permission, their duelling tongues seemed to convey all the words they had yet to say to each other. Pulling back for air, leaning forehead to forehead, "Just to be clear, JUST for tonight?!" Rafael questioned with a smile, looking into her eyes, sparking with too many emotions to place. It wasn't really a question, there was no doubt in his mind that they wouldn't have sex tonight. He'd waited so many years, that a little longer to make sure it was right, and not after a day of turmoil, was fine by him. Liv had rolled her eyes playfully at him, rose from the couch still clutching his hand, "come on, lets get some sleep… Mi Amor". She had specifically punctuated the 'Mi Amor', so she HAD heard him. He couldn't lie, her speaking Spanish to him made his heart flutter too._

 _Liv had gone to brush her teeth, giving him space to get ready for bed. He dug out his t-shirt and jogger shorts, proving his point only to himself that her arguments about his Harvard jumper were definitely invalid. He'd wandered through the open door of the bathroom to find her taking her make up off, and he'd reached over to grab her toothpaste. The scene of comfortable domesticity hadn't been lost on either of them, as they held each others gaze through the mirror._

 _That night, with his new found confidence, Rafael had climbed into bed, lifted his arm and indicated to her to come closer to him. Liv hadn't hesitated, resting her head on his chest just below his shoulder, her arm tucked around his waist. It had felt so natural, as if they'd done it a million times before. Rafael held her close, kissing the top of her head through her hair, and Liv felt like for once she might actually get some good sleep._

" _Liv?", "Rafa?" she replied. He spoke into the darkness, "We'll figure this out with Noah, I promise you. I need you to know that. The law dictates that an adoption cannot be vacated after all this time. But it's more than the law, I promise you, I'll be here to help you navigate whatever you decide is right for Noah. I want to be here, if you'll let me. I don't want to overstep, and god knows I know you'd tell me if I did" he gave her a little squeeze to show his jest, "but I want to protect you and Noah, I need to. I… Liv.. I.." He took a deep breath, ready to take the leap and lay his true feelings out. What he didn't know, was that Liv was lying listening to his heart beat faster as he spoke, the moment he'd said that he wanted to protect her AND her son, her walls had crumbled, never to be built for him again. She had stopped dreaming long ago that she would find a man as amazing as Rafa was, and that not only loved her but her son too. But here he was. "Rafa, I'm so completely in love with you"._

 _If smiles came with sound, a samba parade would have exploded right there in the bedroom, ticker tape and all. Rafael couldn't hold it back. He shifted underneath her so he could see her. "Te amo, mi amor. I love you so very much, both of you" as he caressed her cheek and kissed her softly. They had snuggled back into their positions, no more needing to be said that night. Her hand lay against his heart, and his fingers drew patterns across her skin "Close your eyes, there is nothing that can't wait until tomorrow" he whispered as she gave in to the pull of sleep._

—

 _That morning they had woken up late, both of them had slept better than they had in a long time. But in the drama of the night before, both had forgotten to plug their phones in, so without the usual shrill of an alarm, their content bodies hadn't stirred. It was a wake up call in the shape of Noah that had pulled Rafa from his slumber. "Uncle Rafa?" Rafael had felt a poke on his nose, as he opened his eyes trying to place where he was and comprehend what was happening, a slight panic rising that Noah had found him there with no warning. "Rafa, I'm hungry!". There was Noah stood inches from his face, dressed in his dinosaur dressing gown, innocence on his face, completely unquestioning why Rafael was in his Mama's bed, far more interested in it being breakfast time. Rafael glanced at the clock, 06.45, and back over his shoulder at Olivia, who was still peacefully sleeping, her hand still lying low on his waist just under his t-shirt beneath the covers. He could grant her just a little more time, so he lifted his finger to his lips to tell Noah to be very quiet, and moved as slowly as he could so not to disturb Liv's sleeping form. Once free, he scooped Noah up, grabbing_ _ **his**_ _Harvard sweatshirt from the chair in the corner with his other hand, and pulled the bedroom door closed._

" _Okay amigo, how about broccoli, carrots, and peas for breakfast?" Noah adorably wrinkled his nose, "you're silly Rafa! Who has carrots for breakfast!", "Ahh, so you just want broccoli and peas today? Entiendo!" Rafa questioned the little boy as he placed him to sit the counter of the breakfast bar. Noah giggled, "Nooo! Can we have smiley face pancakes? Pleaaaase!". Rafael knew that Noah's request was a tradition that they had started some time before, reserved specifically for weekends, but he hoped perhaps the treat mid-week would continue the distraction that he was there for the morning school routine. Rafa pulled himself down to Noah's eye level, "Okay, should it be our secret?" He said conspiratorially. Noah had thought about the proposal, and said "I think smiley pancakes would make Mama happy too though", "I think they would too bud" Rafael had smiled, ruffling Noah's curls._

 _Rafael had set to work making pancakes with a little help from Noah, using blueberries to make the shape of a happy face in the batter as requested. When it came to making Liv's, Noah had insisted on a blueberry heart, which had pulled hard on Rafael's own heart strings. Together they'd set everything at the dining table, and as Noah tucked in, he went to wake Olivia._

 _She was still asleep when Rafael quietly padded back into the room, she must have been exhausted to have slept through their commotion in the kitchen regardless of how quiet he'd tried to be. Knowing Noah was a safe distance away, he leant over her, peppering her neck and collarbone with tiny kisses. A small smile crept across Olivia's lips, as she reached blindly for him unwilling to open her eyes yet, and wrapped her arms around his neck, stretching to give him more access to her. But seconds later the bubble had popped and reality descended on her like tsunami. "Noah?!" The panic clear in her voice. "Noah, has had a great morning in boy's club, and was most definitely only concerned about talking me into pancakes for breakfast" Rafael was still just inches from her face. Liv let out a small sigh of relief, after their spontaneous sleepover, she hadn't been able to prepare Noah for finding her and Rafael together. They'd planned for Rafa to have been up and out of the apartment before Noah had woken, but she was relieved for a lot of reasons that it sounded like Noah was simply happy to have his self proclaimed 'best friend' around. She rested her head back down on the pillow, "You gave into pancakes in the middle of the week Counsellor?" She cocked her eye brow at him questioningly, "Guilty! The plaintiff had a strong opening argument Lieutenant!" Rafael smiled at her, dropping down to kiss her squarely on the lips. "Come on, we'll honorary let you join the club. We've made you breakfast too"._

 _Rafael grabbed her hand to tug her gently from bed, when she had cleared her throat pointedly, making him turn back to face her. "I believe you have something of mine" she'd said staring at his jumper. "Possession is nine-tenths of the law, beautiful", not breaking eye contact. He knew her brown puppy dog eyes weren't even worth competing with, and he willingly pulled the jumper over his head, his t-shirt riding up with it. Olivia's breath caught; they may have spent a lot of time together, crossed a lot of boundaries, slept in the same bed, but she had never seen him remotely naked until now. The glimpse of his firm sculpted chest made the heat stir in her, and also wonder when he ever found time to go the gym. He wasn't all abs, but he was definitely defined, damn those suits had been hiding a lot. He pulled his t-shirt back down and launched his jumper playfully at her face, "Stop objectifying me Lieutenant!" He said with a smirk. His jumper smelt of him, and it enveloped her as she pulled it over her head and got out of bed, unable to stop smiling. Olivia ran her fingers down his chest, resting her thumbs low on his hip bones, "I'm glad we only said we had to control ourselves for one night". Rafael let out a low groan, "OUT!" he pointed towards the bedroom door. She smiled knowing exactly what she'd unleashed in him, as she headed towards the smell of breakfast. There might be a lot to face that day, but she couldn't help but live in blissful happiness for a few moments with him, after their admissions the previous night and the feeling she got waking up to him being there._

Rafael checked his phone again, he knew she hadn't messaged because his phone hadn't gone off, but it didn't stop him pointlessly checking his notifications again. He had wanted to go with her to family court, but Olivia had confidently said she could cope with the first hearing, and sent him on his way to work. They hadn't disclosed their relationship, or even discussed it themselves, so considering the amount of change that they had made in their lives in a short space of time, provoking those questions wasn't something that they needed to add to their plate. Rafael had relented with a promise that she would let him know as soon as she was out.

Unable to sit any longer, needing to release the nervous energy, Rafael rose from his desk, and headed towards the coffee station under the window of his office. He stared out watching the New Yorkers below him go about their business, as the machine brewed. He was just pouring his cup when his door opened simultaneously with the knock. "Liv?!" He was a little surprised to see her, "is everything ok?". Her face gave nothing away as she closed the door behind her, and settled into his office couch. He offered her the mug in his hands, that she gratefully accepted, and he poured himself another, joining her with a little space between them, just their knees touching.

"Liv what happened in court?" He was starting to worry. She sighed, "You were right, the judge wasn't willing to vacate Noah's adoption". Rafael was confused, "why don't you seem happier about that?". "The judge wouldn't vacate the adoption, but she is allowing Sheila to apply for visitation rights. Sheilas team raised questions of my mental state, and ability to be a mother, and… _(Liv let out a breath)_ that I have introduced an unvetted man into Noah's life". Rafael sprang to his feet, incensed, he couldn't believe it. How dare they. Sheila Porter had got one glimpse of him at Olivia's door, and she had the audacity to use it as leverage in her case, and their opinions of Olivia were abhorrent. He let the news sink in, and as quickly as his rage settled, the oppositions arguments were unfounded and Noah was still Liv' son, it was replaced with a chilling fear. Would Liv want to call things off with him, in order to protect Noah? He knew he could never ask her not to, Noah came first, but suddenly his utter happiness from this morning felt like it was about to be over before it had really begun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Olivia quietly watched Rafael pace across his office, she knew him well enough to give him a few minutes to process through the thoughts in his mind. He had a quick, sharp tongue when it was needed, mostly when it came to the matters of the law where he was assured and confident, but with everything else, he was an analytical, composed thinker.

In truth, the reason she felt so clear headed, was that she was so relieved that the judge had dismissed the request to vacate Noah's adoption. She had trusted Rafael's knowledge of the law, but she had needed to hear it from the judge herself. She'd expected the mud slinging match too, Sheila Porter knew nothing about her son, or her, so her legal team had gone digging and were clutching onto any straw they could find, no matter how small.

Rafael still hadn't turned to look at her, he was staring out of his window in a trance. Olivia moved from the sofa towards him, looking back to double check the door was indeed closed, from behind him she rested her chin on his shoulder, and snaked an arm around his front. Her breath tickled his ear, and her scent wafted around him, she felt him stiffen. It wasn't the reaction she was expecting; it couldn't be because they were in his office could it? They'd at least had lingering hugs in here before. She pulled away, and left some space between them, not wanting to do something he wasn't reciprocating.

Rafael sighed, it was full of sadness and she watched his head drop to his chest. Olivia felt so confused, like she'd missed an episode and was trying to figure out the narrative between then and now. Still fixated on a spot in the distance out of his window, Rafael summoned all of his finessed courtroom composure and as evenly as he could manage said "Liv, I need you to know I will always love you, so although I know it's selfish, I think I'm going to need a little time and space." He could feel his heart shattering, his one shot of a happy ever after in this lifetime slipping through his fingers. Now Olivia was definitely lost, what on earth was he talking about? She watched his shoulders sag in defeat. Rafael had been through his fair share of trials and tribulations, but she'd never seen him look this broken, and she didn't understand why. Usually him asking her for space, pushing her away, would have sent her barrelling towards his office door, taking his lead that they shouldn't cross lines. But they were beyond that, and she was still in fight mode from court that morning.

"Rafa, what are you talking about?", Olivia grabbed his hand and pulled him to face her. She let his hand drop, not wanting to push too hard too quickly, she didn't want him to shut down. Rafael rubbed his hands up and down his face, and finally connected with her eyes. "Liv, I would never, could never, do anything to jeopardise Noah. And if they are going to use my presence in this case, I understand I need to not complicate this for you. I.." He was lost for words; a fog of numbness was creeping down his body.

It all clicked into place for Olivia, she didn't know whether to chastise him for giving up on her so quickly, or love him more for sacrificing himself to protect Noah. Like he'd promised he'd do.

"Oh Rafa, you've got this all wrong".

He looked up at her, the tiniest flicker of hope passed across his eyes. Olivia stepped closer to him, they were an inch apart, any closer and they would be flush against either other. Her hand reached up around the back of his neck, and caressed the short hairs there. She had inadvertently found out one night on her sofa, that it was an action that relaxed him. His eyelids fluttered closed for a second, his body unable to resist in to the sensation it sent through him, it was like he had a built in zen button. She leant in and gave him the lightest peck on his lips, bringing him back into the room, "Raf, I need to tell you something", his head cocked inquisitively to the side at her words.

Rafael walked to his desk, hands shoved in his pockets, and leant back against the edge, facing Olivia, watching her ready herself to share. He didn't know what she was about to say, so some distance gave him a chance to compose himself for what was about to come, his emotions already felt like they were swirling uncontrollably.

Liv repeated her internal thoughts to him from a few moments ago, out loud, "Rafa, I don't know whether to be chastising you for giving up so quickly, or to love you even more for sacrificing yourself to protect Noah. But if we are really going to make a go of this, I need you to know that walking away isn't an option anymore. You have be prepared to fight every time, even when things get tough." Rafael nodded slowly as she continued, she was right.

"I know its hard to hear that Porters team are using you in their argument, but don't you think it's just as hard for me to hear that they'll use everything I've been through against me too? Implying that everything that happened with Lewis has left me incapable of being a good mother?" Liv broke a little at that last sentence, she knew deep down it wasn't true, but it did hurt that Lewis' actions were still having an impact on her life from beyond the grave. She took hold of the hand Rafael extended towards her, and he gently tugged her to settle between his legs, where he still stood resting against his desk. "Liv, you know that you are the most incredible Mother to Noah, right?" He captured her gaze, and she gave him a small smile, "It means a lot that you believe that, hopefully the court will too". Rafael's hands had moved to her hips under her jacket, and his thumbs stroked up and down over her shirt "They will, mi amor". "Just as they will understand you are a positive person in Noah's life too, Rafa". Rafael couldn't help but feel uneasy about this point still, and Liv could see the lingering tension in him.

"Ok, here's the deal Rafa, I'm going to tell you something that I _swore_ to Noah I would keep secret, and you will promise me that you will pretend I never said anything, and practice your best surprised face". It was Rafael's turn to be confused, but Liv was in command mode, so he just replied "promise".

"Do you know what day it is this weekend?" She questioned him, Rafael looked perplexed, "Don't worry, I didn't either, until Noah's teacher caught me at pick up the other day", she continued on. "It's Father's Day on Sunday, it wasn't even on my radar, but the kids have been working on projects at school." Neither Olivia or Rafael had given the day a second thought, neither had had a present father in their lives for so long, that they'd never had to acknowledge it. "Noah's teacher wanted to let me know about an argument Noah had gotten into, his classmate had said Noah didn't need to make anything because he didn't have a Dad". Rafael's breath caught, he knew that the kids were only 5, and the comments weren't intentionally vindictive, but his heart hurt for Noah. Liv lifted her finger into the air to silence him, aware that he was about to interject, instead she answered his unspoken comment, "Noah, wasn't fazed, and so neither should you." She looked at him pointedly, "Because, Noah replied that he didn't have a Dad, but he did have Rafa". Liv's hand rose to caress Rafael's cheek, his mouth opened but no words escaped. He couldn't believe it.

Liv tentatively asked the question, that was the reason she'd initially chickened out of giving him some pre-warning about Noah's gift, "Are you freaked out?". Rafael instinctively pulled her closer to him, "Not at all. Maybe if this had happened a while ago, but not now. Wow Liv, did he really say that? He really made something for me?". "He really did, and _that_ is why I'm not worried about what was said in court today.".

Although Rafael still didn't quite know what to say, a warm happiness buzzed inside him, so instead he did something they were getting very good at, and kissed his girl. It was slow and languid, them both just relishing in each other. One of his hands held her firmly against him at the small of her back, the other cupping the side of her face, and her arms lazily lay over his shoulders. For a moment his office melted away, and it was just them, they could definitely get used to these midday meetings. Before it could become more heated they broke away, his prominent bulge obvious against her, and her hooded eyelids and flushed cheeks said they'd stopped just in time. "Can you stay again tonight?" she'd quietly asked, "Only if I don't have to control myself?" he smirked back. "Depends how quiet you can be!" Olivia playfully smacked him on the shoulder pulling away from him, allowing him to move and rearrange himself. Answering her question more seriously, "As long as nothing comes up, I should be able to get out by 6?", "Perfect, I'll cook. And then maybe we can talk a bit about us? I think we need to make some fairly quick decisions about a few things?" He nodded in agreement, they leaned in for one last kiss and Olivia turned to leave his office, before he could make a joke about her cooking. Rafael was too distracted to tease her though, busy thinking about how his fantasies of kissing Olivia Benson in his office had somehow just come true, and that this was a conversation that would never have happened a mere 24 hours ago, so instead he let her slip from his office knowing they would be back together in a few short hours.

—

Later that evening, after a brief pit stop at home to change and grab some of his things, Rafael knocked on Olivia's door. A few moments later it swung open, "I believe you have a key?!" she joked at him. Looking back to check Noah was still engrossed in his game, she gave him a quick kiss and pulled him across the threshold. "Sorry, I didn't know whether…" Olivia interrupted him, "You should use it. Please.". He smiled and shrugged off his jacket. Noah had looked up in the direction of the conversation and bounded across the room at seeing who it was, he'd launched himself at Rafael who had skilfully caught him, lifting the little boy into the air and landing him on his hip. "Hola amigo, how was school today?", "Booooooring. Except for lunch time, it was Josh's birthday so we got cake!". He and Noah would always be united by their shared love of snacks and dessert.

Olivia watched the comfortable interaction between Noah and Rafael from the kitchen. She noticed he was dressed down, in dark jeans, and black collared pull over, internally laughing that even casual Rafa was still a man of expensive, pristine taste. What was different though, is he didn't seem to care in the slightest that Noah's school jumper was covered in remnants of the day's activities, and there was still evidence of Goldfish cracker crumbs at the corners of his mouth. They were a long way away from the days when Rafael would hold baby Noah like a ticking time bomb. Rafael laughed at something Noah had said, and pulled him flush to him, the little boy's arms around his neck. Liv hoped that after her admission to him in his office earlier, Rafael could now clearly see for himself how much Noah loved him too.

"Right you two, dinner's ready" she called over to them, as she placed Noah's beaker at his place next to them. "Wine?" She asked Rafael, "Whatever is open is great, thanks. This smells so good!" as he dropped Noah into his seat. Rafael eyed the lasagne and salad that sat on their three plates suspiciously. Noah tucked in, and Olivia sat down gently reprimanded him "Excuse me mister, we wait until everyone is seated before we start please", Noah slowly lowered his fork to his plate and looked at his Mom, cheeks clearly full of food. He chewed and swallowed, and sheepishly apologised. Rafael was still eyeing up the food as the interaction between Mother and Son played out, but it was Noah's inability to wait that gave the game away. "This looks great, thank you for _cooking_ Liv", keeping up the pretence she replied "You're welcome". Knowing his best ally was Noah, he turned to look at him "Hey Noah, did you help Mama cook too?" Noah looked at him eyes wide, switching his gaze between his Mother and Rafael, he'd already been told off once that dinner time, he didn't want to be told off for lying too. Olivia knew she was busted, and jumped in to save her son, impressed that he didn't give her up straight away, although she reckoned he would have cracked if the silence carried on much longer "Okay, fine! I got out late, so I stopped and picked up Luigi's instead". Rafael laughed out loud, "I knew it! There's only one dish, from one place, with vegetables, that Noah will willingly eat like that!", she laughed and pointed her fork at him, "It's his favourite, what can I say!", "So your elusive cooking skills go untested for another day!" He teased her. She rolled her eyes playfully at him, and they all tucked in. The normality of their little family scene wasn't lost on Rafael, and he felt so lucky in that moment. In such a short space of time everything just seemed to have clicked into place, like it should have been like this all along, and now he couldn't imagine life any other way.

After dinner, and some rounds of lego tower building, all too soon it was time for Noah to go to bed. He protested, clinging to Rafael, "Nooo, please, I want to stay and play with you", Rafael tried to see past the tears in the little boy's eyes, knowing that they were crocodile and came from a place of tiredness. Olivia placed a comforting hand on her son's back, "Hey, Rafa will be here in the morning ok?" She didn't feel like Noah needed a detailed explanation, he was five, and any worry she had harboured had gone with the total lack of dramatics that morning. She actually suspected she'd have more of an issue dealing with Noah when Rafa **wasn't** there, their relationship might feel like it was on fast forward but they weren't living together so it was inevitable that Rafa wouldn't always be there for breakfast. Noah peeked up at Rafa, "Promise?", "I promise amigo, but you have to show me that you are big boy, and go put your pyjamas on and brush your teeth right now", he negotiated. Rafael still wasn't sure where he stood with parenting, where his boundaries were, he wanted to be supportive but Noah was Liv's son and it was on the list for him to discuss with her, but as Noah wiggled down from him and sped off towards the bathroom he felt a little swell of success. With Noah out of ear shot, Liv looped her arm around Rafael's waist and have him a squeeze, "don't start thinking it'll always be that easy!" she joked, not taking away from his victory. She dropped a kiss on his shoulder, and headed after her son.

Another story in Spanish read by Rafael complete with voices, a discussion about not having pancakes for breakfast the following day, instead, after a quick mental sync of their diaries, the promise that Rafa would pick him up from school as a Friday treat, and a tucking in complete with Eddie the Elephant, had Noah giving way to sleep. Olivia and Rafael crept from his room, pulling the door closed with enough of a crack in the door to peek in, they both revelled in the silence for a few moments before heading towards her bedroom to change into comfier clothes and settle. With Noah in bed, their evening could change pace.

They met back on the sofa, Olivia placed the bottle with the remaining wine next to their glasses on the coffee table, and sank into the couch next to Rafael. Naturally, his arm circled her, and her knees tucked up next to him. He had never let himself revel in the fact that they always _just fit_ before, but it was true, and he loved it.

Liv spoke first, they'd been idly watching something pointless on TV, but one of them needed to broach the ever building list of things they had parked to talk about. "Are you happy Rafa?", she knew it was a weird opener, but she was curious. She felt Rafael place his fingers under her chin and ever so gently lift it so raise her gaze to meet his, "I have never, ever, been so happy Olivia", he full named her so she knew how serious he was, "you don't ever have to doubt that". Olivia desperately wanted to kiss him, but if she did she knew the dam would break and nothing else would get discussed that night, so instead she pushed on "I know, it's just an awful lot has changed for us in the past couple of days, it's like we're stuck on lightning speed. I wanted to know you're okay." He was touched at her concern, but it was needless, "I am mi amor, I wouldn't change any of this. Are you?", "I am, though I think I'm still in a little bit of disbelief that we finally made the jump!". Rafael chuckled, knowing exactly how she felt, and added "I feel like this pace is okay with us, because if you really think about it, it's like we've been dating for the past few years." Liv smiled, flashbacks of them running through her head, he was right, they had. "I'm glad you feel like that Rafa, because I need to ask something else of you", in the spirit of honesty she was going all guns blazing, but she did feel a little nervous. "Ask me anything", Rafael pushed, running his palm up and down her thigh, sending tingles through Olivia's core. Her confidence was equipped with his promise earlier in the day, to never walk away, but what she was about to ask could come with potential life changing consequences beyond either of their control, "I want us to disclose to the DA and 1PP.", as she said it she felt Rafael's hand still its motion on her leg.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – I can't write full blown smut, anyone is welcome to try if they want to add a standalone, I just can't so I won't butcher it! But fair warning, there are more adult themes in this one. Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 4**

 _Rafael had been a little taken aback at her request to disclose, not because he didn't agree, he wanted to shout from the rooftops that he and Olivia were finally together, it was more by her bullishness. He'd thought he would have been the one trying persuade her. They had talked for hours, discussing what it could mean for them, and Rafael had said without hesitation that he would move on from being SVUs ADA if they weren't allowed to continue working together. She had protested, but he had been firm in his belief. SVU needed Olivia, and he could do what he loved else where if necessary. He even considered that working somewhere else might give him a better work life balance to be able to be there more for Liv and Noah, they would leave that last point to fate, but she had melted at his thought process, wondering how she had got so lucky. She'd told him honestly that the push to ask him so soon, had come because of the court case. Olivia felt that disclosing and being official with their powers that be would mean less leverage for Sheila's lawyer, and in turn would only solidify the foundation of hers and Rafael's future, as well as Noah's. In the moment they had sent calendar requests for meetings with Dodds and McCoy for the following morning, because neither of them saw the point in waiting any longer. They were in agreement of the reasoning, but also each of them knew they were in this for the long haul._

 _Rafael had also broached the subject of Noah, if he was going to be around more he needed to understand his boundaries. Olivia had carefully encouraged his confidence to parent, discussing with him that he couldn't always be Noah's friend and sometimes would have to take the harder option, but to let that naturally evolve over time and not push it. She trusted that when the opportunity rose, and Noah tested Rafael's resolve, he would tackle it, and she would be there as back up if he needed it. In turn, Rafael had agreed to always support her, and never to let Noah create sides between them._

 _They covered a lot of ground, and it was gone 11pm when Olivia had checked the time. They both felt good, they knew there were a few battles ahead still, but they were on the same page, that evening they had solidified their allegiance to each other. Team Barba-Benson._

 _In bed that night, they'd taken time to get to know each other on an intimate level. Neither was in a hurry, both just willing to lose themselves in each others touches, strokes, and kisses. Rafael had proved his quick tongue was as talented in the bedroom as it was in the courtroom, and Olivia had shown him just how much she loved him with her confidence, despite the scars of her past dotted across her body. When he had finally pushed himself deep into her, it had taken all of his self control not to groan out loud, he had long ago lost track of how long he'd wanted this with her. He'd dropped his head into the crook of her neck to muffle any sounds, feeling her teeth gently dig into his shoulder finding it equally as hard to stay quiet. He'd bought her to her peak, and they had both tumbled over the edge together. Neither had experienced anything like it, and the force of their orgasms took more than a few moments to pull back to reality._

—

Now each of them stood outside their respective senior's office, waiting to be summoned in. Rafael's phone vibrated with a notification in his pocket, _"Good luck, mi vida x"._ Her use of Spanish endearments still made him flutter. _"Lo que será será. I love you x",_ Rafael had meant it too, whatever the outcome of these meetings, he would still have Olivia and Noah at the end of it all. They would figure the rest out together. _"I love you too. Going in x"._

Olivia's meeting with Dodds had been over pretty quickly, they held a mutual respect for each other, but at her admission she had seen a small smirk momentarily cross his face. Dodd's had cleared his throat, regained his composure and asked a few professional questions. "Lieutenant, I appreciate you being upfront with this disclosure. Your willingness to be candid so early on will certainly be taken into account. I will of course have to confer with the DA, but I do know that ADA Barba's partnership with your unit has seen more successful results than any ADA before him, I'm sure this will play heavily in your _favour_ ". And with that Olivia felt a weight lifting from her shoulders, Dodds knew that they would want to continue working together without her asking, there was hope. With the end of the conversation signalled, Olivia thanked him for his time and stood to leave. She hadn't reached the door before she heard Dodd's add, "and for the record Olivia? It's about time too! I'm happy for you both". She looked back at him, unable to hide the look of pure happiness on her face, Dodds was the first person on the outside to know about them, so his words had meant more than she would admit. "I'm sure there's a pool for you to cash in on" she laughed, Dodd's had laughed back, "I wouldn't possibly know what you mean!".

Her meeting had been over so quickly, that with a double check she hadn't heard from Rafa, she decided to make her way to the DA's office. On her way to One Hogan Place, she picked up two coffees from Rafael's favourite cart, and waited patiently against a railing outside the stone building. He couldn't be too much longer, and as she had no idea how it was going, she'd rather wait outside.

She was half way through her coffee when he appeared, Olivia spotted him first, he didn't look elated but he didn't look crushed either. "Hey!", Rafael looked up, so glad to see her face. "For me?" He nodded to the coffee in her hand as he approached her. "Nope, just felt like two coffees today!" She teased, moving away down sidewalk. "You wouldn't do that to me!" His steps falling into sync with hers. "No you're right, but you were a little worried for a second weren't you" bumping his shoulder. He gratefully took the coffee from her, kissing her temple before taking a sip. "Ahh, I needed that". Olivia stopped in the street, "Does that mean it went badly?" she questioned. "Not exactly, 6 months of probationary scrutiny to endure though, and that's only if Dodds is in agreement", he pursed his lips. "Well you'll be pleased to know that Dodds was pretty happy for us, I think we'll be okay" she smiled back. Rafael let out a breath, relief evident "Thank god. I would found a new job Liv, I really would have, but I love working with you. You make me better.", "You mean I make you better at finding creative ways to get warrants?", she joked with him, and then more seriously added "You are the best ADA SVU has had, I didn't want to stop working with you either. Hopefully, this means we'll be allowed the best of both worlds". "I hope so too" he said, checking the street and giving her a kiss on the lips. "You know, technically we don't need to hide anymore?" Olivia challenged his glances, as the she slipped her hand into the crook of his arm. "Ah, so there is one more thing" Rafael tentatively shared, "okay?", "I asked the DA not to share our disclosure, I wanted to buy us time. Time to prove that our relationship won't affect our work. Time to figure out our play with Noah's case. I had to make an on the spot decision, but I thought it would put our best foot forward, be a little easier if we didn't have interference or opinions from others." Olivia didn't say anything, so he filled the silence "I can always recant I suppose, sorry Liv I know I should have discussed it with you first".

"No, no, sorry, you're right Rafa. I was just thinking I wish I'd said the same to Dodds." She looked up at him with worry in her features. "I was just so relieved that his response was positive, that I didn't think". They stopped again in the street, "Hey no sorry's. I would love nothing more than to share us with everyone, trust me." He broached her again, "But this would mean not disclosing to your team..". She thought it through, she was fully aware her team already suspected something was going on between them, but as much as they had become her friends she was also their Lieutenant so they toed the line of respect, Olivia knew it was the right thing to do for now, her team could continue guessing if they wanted. She took her phone out and messaged Dodds, playing on their informal banter as she had left his office _"Do you think you could hold off cashing in on that bet you know nothing about, thinking of holding off telling the team for now",_ he replied simply with a thumbs up. "Done".

They walked together towards her precinct to drop her off, he'd blocked out his morning not knowing how his meeting with with DA was going to go, easily giving him enough time to double back to his office. "By the way, I added you to Noah's key contacts at his school. Are you still okay to pick him up?" Olivia checked, "Definitely, wouldn't miss it. I'll meet you back at yours later, I'll _actually_ cook tonight!" He bantered, knowing it would get a rise out of her. Reaching the corner of her street she squeezed his arm, and before she let go not really wanting to lose contact, Rafael trapped her hand from releasing him and lent in to whisper that he really wished he could kiss her goodbye, they parted on a promise to make up for it later.

The rest of Rafael's day was much less eventful than Olivia's, his involved case prep and paperwork, but SVU had caught a case that was too early to bring him in on. She'd text him to let him know it might mean she'd be late home, and as much as he was a little disappointed he didn't have an excuse to go to her office that day, he was glad he could get to Noah's school in good time.

As he stood inside the school gates, feeling more than a little uncomfortable surrounded by parents he had never met in his life, he wondered why he had agreed to do this. He felt way in over his head, there were parents chatting, some holding squirming babies or rocking prams, a few even gave him sideways glances. There he was, not just a new new face to pick up time, but in one of his sharpest 3 piece suits, having felt the need to wear his best armour for his DA's meeting, briefcase in hand, firing off replies to emails on his phone hoping to pass the time by as quickly as possible. It had seemed like a good idea at the time to be early, now he internally cursed himself, feeling like he stood out like a sore thumb.

All of his worry dissipated in an instant though, as he heard Noah yelling his name. Rafael looked up to see a blur of curls and oversized backpack rocketing across the playground towards him, and he couldn't help but smile. "Hey amigo!" He squatted down to Noah's height, resting his briefcase on the floor, "You came!" Noah happily stated the obvious, throwing his arms around Rafa's neck. "Of course I did, I promised didn't I?" Rafael easily lifted him up, backpack and all. "But sometimes Mama has to work, I thought you might be the same", "Noh, I won't lie, that might happen one day, but if I ever say I'm going to be here and I'm not, I promise you I'll have a really important reason why. But I will try to make sure it won't ever happen". "I know you will Rafa", Noah put his hands on either side of Rafael's face bumping noses in an eskimo kiss. It was the most intimate moment he'd ever had with the little boy that he saw as his son, and Rafael was happy at how natural it felt. What didn't feel natural, was the feel of some stares that he clocked from other parents, my god people could be nosey.

They were interrupted by the approach of a woman, who Noah readily introduced "This is my teacher Mrs Dawson!" Rafael set Noah on the ground, taking hold of his hand, and extending his free one to the woman in front of him. "You must be Rafael Barba", "Hi, nice to meet you" they said shaking hands. "You too. Emma Dawson. Olivia let us know you'd be doing pick up instead of Lucy today, so I thought I'd introduce myself", "Thanks, I'm sure it wont be the only time I'll be here!", "I hope not, we've heard a lot about you!" Rafael looked down at Noah who smiled brightly back at him, Rafael let go of his hand moving it to caress Noah's head affectionately, stilling it there so he knew Noah was still safely next to him whilst he conversed with the teacher. Choosing not to question her statement further, he instead said "If you ever need anything, please feel free to contact me too.", Emma smiled at him, this new mans love for her student was evident. "We will, have a good weekend, and great work this week." She addressed Noah, "If you'd excuse me, I've just spotted another parent I must catch". "No problem, you too." And with that, Noah's teacher was off across the playground. He retook Noah's hand, "Come on amigo, lets go to the grocery store to get things to make for dinner tonight, how does that sound?", "Yeah! Can we have ice cream?", "For dinner, or after dinner?" Rafael played along, "FOR dinner!", "hmmm we'll see", Rafael had no intentions of letting that happen really, but he was happy to chat along with Noah as they made their way up the street, looking forward to a whole weekend as the three of them.

—

On Sunday morning, Rafael had woken up alone in bed. He had been home once that weekend simply to pick up some clothes and things he needed for Monday, it was a short trip, his own place not really feeling like home without the sound of Olivia and Noah. They had made the most of, dare he say it, family time, with Noah during the days, and after he had gone to bed they would give in to their practically teenage urges, enjoying the newness of their relationship. It wasn't that they were devoid of PDA in front of Noah, it was important to Olivia that he recognised a healthy, stable relationship. Liv wanted Noah to understand in his own time, that Rafa loved them both and wouldn't be going anywhere, though she had an inkling that he was as aware as he could be for his age already. Even so, they kept it to holding hands, sometimes with Noah in between them, a link through the arm sides glued together as Noah ran ahead in front of them, or chaste kisses when they thought Noah was distracted enough.

Their restraint in the day, always meant it overflowed as soon as Noah was safely asleep in his bed, the passion between them was electric and they loved it. Last night had been a particular favourite for him, they'd ended up in her shower together, it was a new level of sensuality as he'd pinned her to the shower wall, water cascading down them. There hadn't been anything clean about that shower together. At just the recollection, he felt himself twitch, but with Olivia out of reach he figured Noah must be up and awake. He swallowed deeply and calmed himself, sitting himself up he registered for the first time that something coming from the kitchen smelt good.

Pulling his phone from it's charging lead next to him, he checked through his notifications, not quite ready to move from the warmth of bed, but also giving Olivia and Noah some time to be just them. He'd been around a lot this week, and he thought that some Mother and Son time might be important for both of them. It appeared they had other ideas though, when the door to the bedroom swung open bringing the party to him. "Rafa you're awake!" Noah jumped onto the bed to sit in the middle facing him, "I am amigo! What smells so good, did Mama order in?!", he winked at Olivia above Noah's head. She was in PJ shorts and his jumper, leaning against the door frame watching them on the bed. "Nooo! _We_ made breakfast!" the little boy had said proudly, " **and** I made you something at school too". It dawned on Rafael what the day was; so much had happened in the week that his conversation with Olivia in his office felt like a lifetime ago, and he'd forgotten. Noah looked back at Olivia as if needing a little encouragement, she just smiled and nodded at him to carry on. "Oh yeah? Can I see?" Rafa pulled him back into the conversation. Noah jumped off the bed, and retrieved something from floor just out of sight. He walked back around next to Rafael, and nervously handed a card and a picture frame that Noah had clearly decorated himself. Never in his life had he been given something like this, but Rafael already knew it would forever be one of his most treasured possessions. Looking first at the picture frame, it was decorated with colourful foam cut out shapes of balls, cars, lego's, dinosaurs, and what he suspected were meant to be pancakes, surrounding a picture that Rafael hadn't seen before. It was a candid moment of him and Noah in the park, in it Noah was gathered up, cradled in Rafael's arms clutching a ball with two hands, they were both flushed and laughing. They'd clearly been too lost in their game to notice Olivia capturing the moment. "It's all the things we like doing together Rafa!" Noah pointing out the shapes. "I LOVE it, can I put it on my desk at work?" Rafa asked him, "You'd really do that?" Noah asked excitedly, "Of course, then any time I look at it, I'll think of you!", "I like that idea" Noah said honestly. "You can open your card now!" Noah exclaimed feeling more confident.

Rafael carefully opened the card, the front was a hand painted picture "That's me and you!", but Rafael couldn't reply, he had already read ahead inside; in distinctive Noah handwriting was "To Rafa, Happy Father's Day. Love, Noah xxx". It was short and sweet, and Rafael felt overcome with emotion. Noah looked up expectantly with his features quickly changing as he saw Rafael's face, "Do you not like it? I could paint another one?", his little face looked crushed and that alone nearly pushed Rafael to the edge. "No no no, mijo I LOVE it!" Rafael reached down to pull Noah up onto his lap and pulled him into a cuddle. Noah looked up at him and innocently asked "But why do you look sad then?". Olivia silently watched on, feeling privileged to witness the moment between the two people she loved most, but also curious to see how Rafael would handle Noah's questions after their conversation about parenting. She had faith in him so kept quiet and let him test himself.

"Sometimes" Rafael scratched under his eye, there wasn't a tear there, it was just nervous energy. Noah had been brave enough to give him something so special, so Rafael knew he had to be brave and head into this the best he could too. Keeping it simple, he just said "Sometimes, adults can be so very happy that they get happy tears." Noah considered Rafa's response, and seemed to accept it, "Did you cry happy tears when Mama let you hold her hand? You always look happy then!" Olivia and Rafael both laughed at his blissful innocence, but Noah didn't break his gaze on Rafael, his question feeling like an important one to him, "yes, I _definitely_ got happy tears when I got to hold your Mama's hand". Satisfied, Noah lay his head back onto Rafael's chest, admiring his own handiwork on the Fathers Day card. Rafa closed his eyes taking stock of the moment, and placed a kiss into Noah's curls. They'd survived, with no awkwardness, and it just served to make his heart swell more.

Olivia was about to join them on the bed, when Noah spoke up again from his position resting against Rafael's, "Rafa?", "Yes?", "What does mee-ho mean?". Shit, shit, shit. Out of everything in their conversation, _that_ was what Noah remembered?! Rafael hadn't even realised he had said it. Locking eyes with Olivia, begging to have one of their silent conversations, she just held his gaze and mouthed "it's okay, you got this". Taking a deep breath, not moving from either of their positions, Rafael spoke into the room, "it means 'Son' in Spanish". Noah was quiet, and Rafael didn't know what to do. Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed, about to come to his rescue, when Noah replied "but don't you have to be Dad to have a son?". Rafael felt way out of his depth. Luckily Olivia sensed that this was a conversation they needed to team up for, she had known that there was a possibility it would happen, and she was more prepared for it than Rafael was.

"Noah" at the sound of her voice Noah looked at his mother, "Did you learn at school about what Fathers Day means?" She questioned her son, "Yes, but Drew said Rafa can't be my actual Dad because he wasn't there when I was born". Olivia looked at her son, glad that he didn't know the true gravity of this conversation. She was waiting until he was older to explain the adoption to him, so he could properly understand. "Why did you want to give Rafa a Fathers Day card?" She wanted to help Noah pull the pieces together, not force a picture on him, if he didn't get there by himself, then the time wasn't right and they'd leave it. "Because he holds my hand on the way to the park, and he lets me help make pancakes with faces, and he reads to me, sometimes in Spanish, and even though I hate them, he makes me eat my peas like you do Mama. They're all the things my friends Dad's do too". Her heart grew for her sons pure outlook on life in that moment, and Rafael held the little boy to him, just taking in the exchange, so grateful to Olivia for taking the reigns.

"Rafa, do you like doing all those things with Noah?" She included him back in the conversation, and he lifted Noah's face up so he could see him, "I _love_ doing those things with you". "But, does that make you my Dad?" it was clear Noah was nervous. Rafael was a bit too, he looked at Olivia, who had nothing but love glinting in her eyes, she gave him one of their imperceptible nods, usually saved for the courtroom, that gave him the green light to go on. This wasn't something they had discussed, and he wished he could freeze time to sense check with her. But she looked perfectly okay with the interaction, and so he carried on, "Only if you want me to be your Dad Noah, it's completely up to you". He left it to the little boy to make the decision, and although he hadn't really contemplated this conversation properly before 10 minutes ago, he found himself really hoping that Noah would be okay with it. "What's 'Dad' in Spanish?" Noah hadn't really answered the question. "It's Papi", "Would I call you that then?", "It's up to you, you could call me Dad or Papi.. or Rafa." He tagged on the end just incase, Noah hadn't said yes or no yet. "I like Daddy and Papi", before either Rafael or Olivia could reply, Noah had jumped off the bed and headed towards the door "Can we eat now?". The conversation was simply done according to the little boy, and although he had moved on, Rafael needed a second.

Earlier in the week, he hadn't thought it was possible to be happier, but he had been wrong. He reached for Olivia, kissing her palm just before she brushed her fingers across his cheek. Noah was totally oblivious that he'd just cemented them together as a family, but it definitely wasn't lost on them. Breaking their moment was Noah's voice from the hallway "MAMA, PAPI, come ONNNN". "That kid is going to burst my heart" Rafael laughed from his place on the pillow. "You're telling me!", Liv leaned in to give Rafa a kiss "Good morning, Daddy. You handled that like a pro." Olivia whispered centimetres from his face, Rafael dramatically pulled her hand to his heart. "Oh don't you start too, I can't cope!". They both smiled giddily, and moved out of the bed towards the kitchen.

 **Next up, Sheila's back!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – Same as before, I know nothing about the law, so please just let my creative licence with this slide! Mentions of more adult themes again, but I haven't developed a smut ability between the last chapter and this one! :-)**

 **Chapter 5**

Their weekend had come and gone too quickly, and before the trio knew it their Monday morning routine was in full swing. Olivia had a meeting with Trevor Langham first thing, so had been shooed out of the door with an "I love you' from both Noah and Rafael, who had said he'd be there until Lucy arrived.

Olivia had felt like she was floating as she left her apartment, leaving the two leading men in her life safely inside, but the closer she got to Langham's office the heavier she felt. It wasn't even court, it was just a meeting to discuss next steps, but she didn't know what she was going to be told, and that unnerved her.

Inside Trevors office, he had explained that Sheila could apply for visitation rights including full weekends. The thought of not having her boy for that amount of time, out of her control, made the bile rise in Olivia's throat. He'd also run through the list of the opposing council's evidence, and she'd rebuffed it all, annoyed. She knew it wasn't Langham's fault, but she couldn't help feel exasperated by the whole situation. She'd asked him if a parent with depression, or anxiety, or an eating disorder would be considered unfit, Trevor had tried say it wasn't what they were implying, but Olivia had argued through, incensed. She hadn't asked for any of the things that had happened to her, but she had been strong enough to seek help and battle through. Yes she was scarred, but who wasn't. Either way, she hadn't chosen, just like someone with any of the things she had listed hadn't chosen them. It wasn't fair that Sheila's team would try to exploit that as a weakness. Noah was the reason she had clawed back her life, for him, to be his mother.

Trevor had simmered down his challenges, and instead asked about who Sheila had met at Olivia's apartment. Olivia knew the question was coming, "Rafael, my other half". In her mind, the term 'boyfriend' had sounded juvenile for the situation. "Is he going to be a problem?" Olivia asked. "It depends, probably not" Trevor had carefully said. Olivia was already on edge, and he didn't want to worsen it by seemingly attacking her relationship. "Who is he, and what does he do?", Olivia sighed, knowing Trevor would know exactly who he was. "He's a Manhattan ADA", she said simply. Trevor filled in the blanks, "Rafael BARBA!? Wow.". It was a slightly unprofessional reaction from him, but he was shocked, and his face probably showed it. The renowned El Tiburón was settled down! "This cannot go past this case Trevor", Olivia implored of her lawyer. "To Noah, Rafael is his Dad, he is that important in our lives. But in our world (she pointed between them both) no one but the DA and 1PP knows, _we_ keep chose it separate." As far as Olivia was concerned, Trevor didn't need to know timelines, or how new the 'Dad' word was to their family, it had been brewing for a long time, all he needed to know was they'd disclosed, and Rafael was a permanent fixture.

Nodded slowly at her admission, Trevor pressed "Understood. But this does have to be discussed in court, it significantly strengthens your family foundation for Noah, and shows the disruption Sheila could bring to his life". Olivia decided it was time to broach the idea she'd discussed with Rafael the night before, he had promised to support her whatever she decided to do and told her to trust her instincts. The problem was, she couldn't fully because she didn't know Sheila, she had only met her for a fleeting moment. "What if we took this out of the court for a moment? I want to do what's best for Noah, but I can't make that decision without the chance to speak to Sheila myself. I can't know with us having our respective council's speaking for us at every move." Trevor hadn't been all for the idea, feeling like they had a strong case to deny all requests, but Olivia had stood her ground, if she was going to deny Noah a relationship with his only blood relative she had to be able to justify it to herself, knowing one day she'd have to share that with Noah too.

She'd left Trevors office, leaving it in his hands to position a meeting with Sheila, now all she had to do was wait.

—

Olivia stepped out of the lift onto her office floor, her team were all there huddled around Carisi's computer, and so was _he_. Rafael glanced up, giving her the smallest wink that none of the team would see from where he was stood. She dropped her things into her office and joined them, "What do we have?", Amanda spoke up to fill her in "TARU managed to clean up the CCTV footage for the McKenna case Lieu. We're just watching it through, but we think we at least have a plate and a driver". After they watched the playback a couple of times, they discussed their angles for a warrant and what to do next, Olivia gave her orders and Rollins and Carisi picked up their jackets heading to the door. Barba moved towards her office, as Liv stalled to speak with Fin. "Hey I need you to do something for me, on the QT", Fin had been with her for 18 years, and she implicitly trusted him. "What's up Liv?", "Can you run a background check on a Sheila Porter for me? As in-depth as you can without flagging, I need to know everything", there was no doubt Fin would have her back "Sure, but wait, Porter? Not related to Ellie Porter?", Liv looked at Fin and carefully said "I promise I'll explain when I can". Fin understood that sometimes it was easier to plead ignorance when you really didn't know anything at all. He simply nodded, "I'll get it done". "Thanks Fin", she rested her hand on his shoulder, and left to join Barba in her office.

Closing the door behind her, she sat down at her desk opposite Rafael. "Hey you" he said softly, it still amazed her that he could switch from Barba to Rafa so effortlessly. "Hey to you", he made her so happy. "Was everything okay this morning after I left?", "Yep, all good, Lucy said she's taking him to a playdate after school but they'll be back by 5. How did it go with Langham?" That's what Rafael really wanted to know, and the new evidence in the McKenna case had served as perfect timing for him to be there in person to ask. "Well his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he found out about you!" She smirked, Rafael rolled his eyes, "Don't worry I reminded him of client confidentiality." She added before Rafael could ask. "Okay", he conceded. "I also asked him to broach Sheila's lawyer about a face to face" she held a breath, Rafael had said he'd support her whatever decision she made, but he still didn't exactly love the idea. "Okay, let's see what they say". Olivia looked at him curiously, "What!" He said in mock hurt. "You're very compliant today counsellor", "The doors closed (he motioned to the door) I'm not your Counsellor, I'm your loving boyfriend. If I was your Counsellor, I'd be wondering if I should ask what Fin is doing for you right now" he raised an eyebrow at her. She'd decided to leave that bit out with Rafael, she didn't like to, but he had taken an oath and she didn't want to put him in a tough situation, if he had any inkling she hoped he would understand that. He gave her reprieve, and moved on, "Instead, I'd rather know if you can do lunch today? 1ish?", She smiled at him "Perfect". Rafael was already on his feet about to open the door, "I love you Liv", "I love you too".

The rest of the week passed in a blur as the McKenna case gathered pace, and they picked up another simultaneously. It was Thursday afternoon and Rafael hadn't managed to make it over for the last two nights, weighed down by his case load. It pained them both, but Noah even more so. Olivia had been right about sensing an impending battle with him to explain why Rafael wasn't there, Noah just couldn't understand why his Papi couldn't read to him.

 _The first night, Noah had gone to bed refusing a story, refusing to say goodnight, clamping his eyes tightly closed until Olivia left the room, it was tough going but she'd dealt with worse. When she'd recounted to Rafael, he'd felt guilty, but he'd been in the office until gone midnight. When the following day they realised they were going to have a repeat of the night before, with Rafael stuck at his desk, they had planned a bed time FaceTime. It had worked like a dream, Rafael had been able to explain why he wasn't there, shown Noah his picture frame sat on the desk, and through the wonders of eBooks, he was able to read him a story as Liv and Noah flicked through the pages on the other side of the screen. It was a good compromise, but he missed being there in person. As Liv had slipped out of Noah's room, still connected on FaceTime, she'd propped up her phone on the breakfast bar and leant forward to have a few minutes with him to herself. "I miss you Raf", "I miss you too mi amor, this is much harder than it used to be". They talked a little about what he had on, and he promised to order in some food, "I should be through the worst of it all tomorrow, maybe I can take you both out for dinner?" He'd suggested. "I'd settle just for being in the same room as you, but that sounds nice. I won't mention it to Noah, just incase", she liked making plans with him, and loved that he included Noah. "I better let you get on, so you can definitely come home then. I love you." "Sleep well, I love you more", and they disconnected._

It was Thursday afternoon, and from the texts back and forth between them, their days thankfully seemed to be slowing; it looked like they might actually make their dinner date. Olivia was feeling hopeful, until Trevor Langham's name popped up on her phone screen as an incoming call, pushing that feeling away. 'Here we go' she thought as she swiped the screen to answer, "Benson". It was good news, at least she thought it was, Sheila had agreed to a sit down and had suggested some times. Olivia had been able to make Saturday morning work, knowing work couldn't force her to reschedule, the last thing she needed was to give them more ammunition, and that Rafa could be with Noah. They agreed to a cafe on neutral territory, and hung up.

Olivia tried to focus on finishing up some paperwork, the bit of the job she liked least that came with her rank, but she was preoccupied too which made her even less productive. It had been a long few days of work, and they had seen a lot of the office, looking out at her team they were exhausted too. "Right, go home, all of you", her team had looked up, it was 4pm, but all clearly grateful and no one was going to object. Before she could change her mind, or for a case to crop up, they had all grabbed their coats and scarpered leaving the floor quiet. Olivia sent a message to Rafael, _"I'm escaping early x",_ his reply came in fast _"What time is Lucy expecting you home? x", "6ish why? x", "Meet me at mine, I'm escaping too x"._ Olivia didn't have to think twice, she knew the other option was to get back to Noah quicker, but she hadn't seen Rafa in days and she was craving some contact. She loved her son, _their_ son, to the ends of the earth, but he was blissfully unaware and happy with Lucy, and she really needed some adult time with her man. _"Coming x", "You will be ;-) x"_ desire pooled between her legs as she read his last message, it never failed to amaze her how he could make her feel at the smallest of things. She grabbed her jacket and booked an Uber, 3 minutes away, she made her escape from the office, full of buzzing anticipation of being back with Rafa.

Olivia actually really liked Rafael's place, even though they weren't there often, her place was just easier with Noah. The finish was different to her apartment, with its dark hardwood floors and tall ceiling height windows looking out over the city. It was definitely finished with a masculine flair, and it could be straight out of a magazine. Today, she'd barely looked around though, the second she'd stepped over the threshold, he'd kicked the door closed and captured her lips. 'I missed you', they shared between kisses. He'd beaten her back there, his office being closer; his tie was already discarded and he was down to his shirt, the top buttons already undone. She just saw it as less barriers to remove before she could satiate herself, she needed to be skin to skin with him. He pulled her to his bedroom, clearly not able to wait any longer either. Their love making was hurried, but still full of passion, a desperate need to be with each other again. After, they'd granted themselves some time to just be a couple in love, cuddled up, lazy kisses, and no heavy talk.

At 5.30, they were pulling themselves back together, Olivia back into her outfit from before, Rafael able to change into something more casual. The weather was unusually cool for June so he was in jeans and a polo shirt that showed the definition in his arms, which didn't go unnoticed by Olivia. He'd pulled a couple of suits together into a travel bag for the following day and to replenish his stash at hers, and together they'd headed back to Olivia's to surprise Noah with a family dinner out.

—

Saturday morning had arrived, and normally Olivia was grateful the weekend had come around, but this time it was all too quick, as her meeting with Sheila loomed. Truthfully, she still wasn't 100% sure this was the right move herself, but none of the other options felt any better. Rafael had agreed to take Noah with him to run some errands and then to the park near to the cafe, so she could easily meet them afterwards.

Olivia was sat in the cafe, clutching her coffee cup, when Sheila walked in. The older lady looked equally as nervous, perhaps this wouldn't be so bad? "Thank you for meeting me, can I get you a coffee?" Olivia asked, "Thank you for suggesting we meet. I'll have a latte". Beckoning over the waiter, they ordered Sheila's coffee, and fell into an uncomfortable silence. Olivia was usually better at this. "I truly only want what is best for Noah", she started carefully. "I do too, I'm sorry I appeared at your door like that. I just didn't know how else to get your attention", Sheila shared. They continued to chat, Olivia sharing a little about Noah, what he was like, what he was in to, and in turn asking questions about Ellie, and it felt like the two women were beginning to thaw.

Sheila had opened up a little about her life and past, sharing how her ex-husband had convinced her that their relationship with Ellie was irreparable when she'd vanished, but after they'd got divorced and gone their separate ways she'd not stopped looking for Ellie through a PI, which is how she'd discovered Noah's existence. It also explained how she knew where Olivia lived, which left Olivia feeling a little violated but she chose not to raise it and instead to compartmentalise that for the moment. Sheila asked about Rafael, learning his name, but Olivia had felt hesitant to share too many details about him from the way Sheila had asked, so she simply said he was a wonderful man and moved on, the woman didn't seem to have a high opinion of men from her comments, so she chose not to muddy the water.

Olivia had just started to think that perhaps they could work this out between them, without the courts intervention, when Sheila asked if Noah knew about Ellie. "No he doesn't, he doesn't know he's adopted yet" Olivia had said very purposefully, this wasn't up for discussion in her mind. "But shouldn't he know about his mother?" Sheila pushed. A little shocked, Olivia replied "I am his mother". Sheila recomposed herself apologetically, "yes, yes, I'm sorry, I meant birth mother. I just want to keep Ellie's memory alive, I want Noah to know how brilliant she was". The tone of the conversation had drastically turned, it was clear this was what Sheila had really come to say, and Olivia felt silly for being lulled into the chatty pre-amble. "Noah is five, he's not old enough to comprehend what this all means, and he shouldn't have to. He should just be allowed to be a child, and not have his innocence broken", Olivia tried to make that the end, but Sheila wasn't finished, her voice rising "But she was my daughter, and Noah is my only connection to her, my Grandson. I want to be able to tell him stories of my Ellie. He's _my_ flesh and blood". Olivia was done, this had taken a turn she wasn't willing entertain and she could feel the eyes of other patrons on them. Quietly she said, "Yes, and Noah is _my_ son, I'm sorry but this decision is mine, and not yours, to make. Noah will know about Ellie, I can promise you that, but not until I decide he is ready". Sheila was clearly displeased, and Olivia knew that the next time they saw each other, it would be back in court. Putting some dollars down on the table, enough to cover both of their drinks, Olivia upped and left.

The remedy of her failed chat with Sheila was definitely her boys. Olivia scanned the park that they'd agreed to meet in, spotting a laughing Noah running across the grass towards Rafa shouting "DADDDDDDY!" happily at the top of his lungs. Her morning was momentarily lost from her mind as she witnessed their fun. She smiled to herself wondering if Rafael knew they were in practically matching outfits. Noah was in a navy spaceship t-shirt and beige shorts, and Rafa in chino shorts, and a navy fitted polo shirt, aviators pushed onto the top of his head.

As he tickled Noah into fits of giggles, Rafael must have sensed she was there, spotting her heading towards them. He said something to Noah, and pointed, sending Noah hurtling towards her with a flushed happy look on his face. "Hey sweet boy!", she lifted him up for a cuddle, "Hi Mama, we missed you!". He was starting to get too big for her to pull him up easily, but she needed it today. Rafael caught them both up, wrapping an arm around her and giving a her a peck on the lips. An "ewwwwww" emitted from Noahs mouth, giggling, so Rafael and Olivia turned their attention and peppered his little cheeks with kisses, turning his giggles to full belly laughs. "Mama, Papi, stoooppp!". Laughing together, Olivia suggested both her boys' kryptonite "Who's up for some ice cream?", it had Noah instantly dropping down to the ground the moment she suggested it, "Can I have sprinkles?!" He asked grabbing each of their hands to walk between them. "We'll see".

As they walked from the park, Noah continued his ice cream topping negotiation, Rafa was definitely rubbing off on him, maybe Noah would end up in Law School she pondered. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of someone, making her stop suddenly. Rafael eyed her, "everything ok?", Olivia looked back at the spot in the distance, it was empty. "Yeah, I thought I saw.." She shook her head, "Nothing, I'm going mad. I clearly need some ice cream!" She looked down at Noah who was pulling on them, begging to carry on. Rafael made a mental note to ask her more about it later.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - I really struggled to write parts of this chapter in the way I envisioned. I watched an interview with Raul who talked about how Barba had developed over seasons into someone who was willing to go to battle for Olivia even without assurances. I tried to continue that development in this story, it's why I've written him as much softer and accepting, without losing some of the Barba spunk, I hope it comes across okay, I can't re-read it any more so here it is :-)**

 **Chapter 6**

It had been a beautiful day in New York City, and the trio had made the most of the sunshine in Central Park; Noah getting his photo taken with a giant bubble surrounding him from a street act was a highlight. They'd lunched at a diner, wandered aimlessly, and been talked into buying Noah some K'nex from a toy store they had stumbled upon. With the evening drawing in, they reluctantly had made their way home.

Olivia sat at the breakfast bar as Rafa made them both a coffee, Noah happy to be back amongst his toys. As he passed Olivia a mug, they heard the tell tale sound of plastic pieces raining down on the coffee table. "I told you he wouldn't be able to wait to open that box!" Olivia was triumphant, "It was an unfair bet!" Rafael didn't really like losing at anything, but he was only playing with her. "I just hope it hurts less than lego when we inevitably stand on those little pieces!", that, they were both in agreement of.

"So tell me about Sheila?", Olivia played back the conversation, what they had discussed, and how it had turned sour so quickly. He could tell how disappointed Liv was that informal resolution hadn't worked, and chose not to add any opinions. "We'll present a united front in court okay?", he'd reached over to lace his fingers with hers, and lifted them to his lips. The thing with their legal system was that it wasn't always fair, and the uncertainty of the outcome hung over them both.

"Hey, I meant to ask. What happened in the park earlier? It looked like you'd seen a ghost?", Olivia paused before replying, she knew what she was about to say would make her look paranoid. "Raf, I swear I saw Sheila, but when I looked back there was no one there. I _know_ I sound crazy, but" she broke mid sentence, telling herself that she had no reason not to be completely honest with him, "all day I couldn't shake a feeling that we were being watched". Rafael was stunned, if she had stopped at the first point he wouldn't have been too worried, a park is a public place after all, but Olivia's instincts were pretty good so the latter had him concerned. "Why didn't you say anything mi amor?", he moved around the breakfast bar to stand next to her. "I just figured that this mornings meeting was playing on my mind. Plus, we were having such a nice day, so I tried to ignore it". She rested her head against Rafael's arm, and waited to hear what he thought. "Is there enough here for us to need to do something? Should we report it?". "No, I think it's just good to be aware. If it happens again, then we can rethink", Rafael leaned in to kiss her in a wordless agreement, "come on, lets go and see what hurricane Noah has done to the living room" pulling her with him. Her admission was still on his mind, but in the safety of the apartment, they didn't need to dwell.

—

The rest of their weekend was blissfully event free, which was a stark contrast to whole of the following week. A high profile case had the entire SVU team working long days and late nights, the team trying to piece the evidence together whilst Rafael battled to keep key discoveries out of the press. It was relentless, so when the notification for Noah's family court hearing came through, scheduled for the following week, Olivia didn't have time to contemplate it. The case dominated them, with pressure from 1PP and the Mayor piling on, the team had barely slept or had any down time. The only saving grace, was that for the first time Olivia and Rafael experienced what it was like to parent as a team, managing to arrange at least one of them to be there to put Noah to bed 3 out of the 4 nights so far that week. Noah didn't need to know that once his door was closed they'd had to head back out, leaving him in the safe care of Lucy. They always ensured at least one of them was present for breakfast the following day too. It was a hard slog, but worth it to know Noah wasn't disrupted, and it was a new enlightening feeling for Olivia, who had shouldered being a single parent for so long.

Barba stalked back into the precinct early on Friday morning, announcing to anyone who was willing to listen "the embargo has been extended, we've got 48 hours, but come Monday morning all of this will be headlines" he gestured at the evidence boards in the room. "I don't think Judge Keller will ever grant me anything ever again, he practically chased me off his doorstep for interrupting his breakfast this morning". Olivia appeared in her office doorway, "48 hours is better than no hours. Thanks for sticking your neck out Barba", she smiled at him, knowing they'd all pushed him to go to the Judges home against Rafael's better judgement. A chorus of genuine gratitude sounded from the rest of the team; the moment the story hit the headlines, the narrative of their case was likely to be twisted and fall apart, so time was what they needed.

Heading into her office, Rafael sank onto Olivia's couch and loosened his tie. It was only 9.10am, but he was exhausted, the week felt like one long continuous work day, and not even IV caffeine would touch the sides. Olivia pushed her door almost closed, so not to look too obvious to her team on the other side, dropping down next to him and letting her head rest against his shoulder. If someone had burst in at that moment, Olivia wouldn't have cared, she was shattered and it was an action she'd done before they'd even got together. The kiss she pressed to the underside of his jaw from her spot against him would have been harder to explain, but she was quick and she knew they couldn't be seen from their seated position; she just needed a little closeness with him. They'd had no personal time together that week, and she was desperately missing quality time with Noah too. Rafael had taken that mornings breakfast shift before heading to the Judges house, managing 3 hours sleep before getting up with Noah. Cheerios had been all he'd be able to muster, but Noah's morning bed head and sleepy cuddles had made the effort to be there worth it.

Olivia and Rafael spoke in hushed voices, "How was our boy this morning?", Rafael squeezed her leg knowing she was missing him, "He was great, said he knew you'd catch the bad guy soon! I had to leave Lucy to get him ready for school so I could ambush the Judge though. We owe her some kind of bonus for this week" he laughed a little. "We do, we're lucky she's so brilliant". "I agree. She took Noah on a park playdate yesterday after school, to plaster over that we weren't there for dinner again. She also said he got a great report from school for this week, that he's loving the K'Nex, and can't wait to build things with us this weekend". Rafa reeled off the update for her, there was nothing that important in his words, Liv was just glad of the insight into Noah's life that she was missing. She sighed, knowing there was a significant chance that they would have to work tomorrow, despite it being Saturday, and K'Nex would have to wait. Offenders and cases sadly weren't weekend agnostic.

Olivia hadn't meant to close her eyes, but the comfort of being next to Rafa after another sleepless night in the cribs, had her asleep before she realised it. On weeks like this she tried to make sure she was there if her team were, it was only fair, but where her detectives could tag team to a degree, it meant she'd been home to sleep even less than Rafael had.

Olivia's breathing had evened out, and Rafael lifted his hand to cup the side of her face from where she rested, barely brushing her skin not wanting wake her, and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. He had just pulled away, taking in the sight of her exhausted form against him, when Fin stuck his head through the gap in the door without knocking, a beige file in hand. Rafael was quick to lift his free hand up to silence him, before Fin could open his mouth. He knew the case had taken it's toll on everyone, but he was allowed to worry about Olivia, he didn't know how much sleep she'd had, but he'd bet that it was a handful of hours a night; if he could grant her a top up now, he would.

If Fin had been surprised at his friend and Lieutenant cosied up to their ADA, he didn't show it. Rafael internally thanked any of the Gods listening, that it hadn't been one of the other musketeers that had walked in. At least Fin had some integrity when it came to gossip, Rollins and Carisi were a completely different story. He did however suspect that when Fin was topped up with sleep, and back on form, he'd hear something about it even if Liv was spared.

Fin backed out of the office, and clicked the door closed. Rafael didn't really care what explanation the Sargent might have given the team if they asked, they weren't really doing anything wrong, and if they all put two and two together there wouldn't be any formal fall out for them, he was just glad to be the one there with her. Picking his phone up, he began tapping replies back to emails, knowing he wanted to give her at least an hour.

—

Come Sunday, Olivia and Rafael had declared a pyjama day, which Noah had been thrilled about. Late the previous afternoon, the case had come together and everyone made a break for it, desperately needing to recuperate. They'd bought duvets to the sofa, watched and slept through countless animated movies, the rules were thrown out the window neither of them having the energy to uphold them. Noah relished in the abnormal day, but even more so the fact that they were both there with him. They ordered pizza and dessert on delivery, not caring that there wasn't a single green thing in their diets, to Noah it felt like a treat only second to Christmas. He was a forgiving child as it was, but the day more than made up for them missing Saturday with him in his eyes.

It had been exactly what they had needed, so it was almost ironic that they had had to emerge Monday morning from their 24 hours in a family cocoon, straight into prep at Trevor Langham's office. Olivia had been vocal in the last hearing and very lucky that her outbursts had landed in her favour, but they couldn't leave anything to chance this time. Rafael was there for support, he was planning on being present in the gallery for the hearing but wouldn't be in front of the judge. It had made him acutely aware that there wasn't anything official to associate him with Noah, but one step at a time, he knew they needed to get this case over and done with before he could consider talking to Olivia about it.

The day of family court, Olivia and Rafael had both taken Noah to school, having taken the morning off. His innocent mind had been totally unaware of the significance of the day, simply happy to have them both see him off at his classroom. He hadn't even twigged when Olivia had hugged him longer, only letting him go when Rafael had placed a hand on the small of her back signifying that they should leave.

Walking towards the court she'd vice gripped his hand, and was clearly in a world of her own, forcing him to take action. Pulling her in the direction of Forlini's, Olivia had initially been shocked thinking he was insinuating a scotch chaser before court, "But it's 5pm somewhere!", he joked with her, trying to lift the cloud surrounding them, but her humour had been left at home. "Mi amor, I'm not serious" he'd dropped his tone softly, and instead pushed her through the door in front of him. He acknowledged Alexander behind the bar, asking for two coffees, whilst leading her to 'their' secluded booth in the back corner.

Instead of seating himself in front of her like usual, he slipped in beside her. Forlini's did breakfast, but it was quiet before the rush, and it was highly unlikely that they'd see anyone they knew, much less hidden away in the booth.

Two coffees were placed at their table, and Rafael thanked Alex. They were both regulars and over the years they'd got to know Alexander and his team whilst they propped up the bar, and in turn they had grown to know more about Olivia and Rafael, often catching trains of conversations and interactions as they served other patrons around them. Arguably the Forlini team had witnessed more of the evolution of Rafa and Liv's relationship than anyone else, but in the safety of the bar, they were protected by an unspoken bartender/patron agreement of 'what happens in the bar, stays in the bar'.

It was why Rafael had felt it a safe place for them to openly just be them. "Liv, drink. You need to relax, otherwise this is going to be even harder", she sighed and did as she was told. "I'm glad you're here Raf", "Of course mi amor". The courtroom was his stage, it was familiar and he felt comfortable there, so even if it wasn't a courtroom he often frequented, he wasn't as fazed. But he knew Liv was, even when he would need to call her as a witness or for expert testimony in the cases he was prosecuting, she would ask to be prepped every time, even when she didn't need it. He couldn't prep her like he would for their work cases though, this was very different, and he needed her to be clear headed.

"At the end of today, what are we going to do?", Olivia turned to stare at him thinking his question was pointless in the moment, but she answered anyway "I don't know. Go home?", "Yes, to who?", it dawned on her what he was trying to do "To Noah", she smiled. "Yes, regardless of this morning, no one is going to swoop in and take Noah away. He's still going to be coming home, he's still our son. Even if she gets what she wants, we are a long way away from it being reality. We need to just focus on one step at a time mi guerrera". Olivia knew he was speaking sense, "I know, I know, you're right.", she leant in to kiss him, loving that he had called her his warrior. Rafael deepened the kiss, tongue slipping into her mouth, nipping at her lip. His hand was tangled in her hair, as she grabbed at his jacket lapel. He kissed her breathless, and she couldn't help but smile, "Well that's one way to pull my attention" she held his gaze. "I'm not even sorry" a look of faux innocence on his face, which made her laugh again. She still felt nervous, but the heavy air around her had lifted a little, there was a lot to be said for the power of love, and she couldn't be more grateful that he was her partner in crime.

Before they knew it, they were climbing the steps towards family court hand in hand, where they met Langham. The two men shook hands, both professional enough not to make a single comment about the revelation El Tiburón was in a relationship, even when Rafael pulled Olivia to one side for a private moment, exchanging some quiet words and a chaste kiss before she followed Trevor away from him. This wasn't his show, so he waited patiently, before he was able to take his seat.

As the judge was announced, and took her seat, he instinctively knew something was wrong. There were hushed whispers that he couldn't make out, he scanned the room, and realised Sheila Porter was absent. If she didn't appear without reason, the case could be thrown out, which would save them all a lot of drama. It didn't mean Sheila couldn't re-apply, but it'd be highly unlikely she'd be granted the hearing. Even so, it was becoming uncomfortable, as the judge addressed Sheilas council for the second time. They clearly had no idea where she was, despite their assurances to the Judge, phones hastily redialling numbers that were obviously not being answered.

The time wore on, and Langham had tried to ask for the case to be dismissed. The Judge had already warned them that if they moved from their positions or asked again she'd hold them in contempt, the fast track of Noah's adoption had clearly left her feeling the need to be lenient and to the letter of the law with this hearing.

In the silence, something was beginning to nag in the back of Rafael's mind, taking place of his initial positivity that this might be open and closed. His phone was on silent, as was court etiquette, so when his phone screen lit up alerting him to a notification that Olivia had sneaked a message along similar lines to him _'This doesn't feel right? x',_ his mind had whirred.

Rafael thought back over the last few weeks with Sheila, how she'd upturned their lives in a short space of time and then had the insolence not to show today. It didn't make sense. A cold tingle traveled down his spine, and he felt an urge he couldn't ignore to check Noah was okay. They weren't far from his school, but he knew if he left he wouldn't be allowed back in, as court had been called into session. So he went to the best person, and text Fin. _"Can you get to Noah's school? Maybe this job has made me cynical, but can you check on him please?"_ , he got an instant reply, _"Sure. Good timing, we've just taken a statement 3 blocks away"_ , he was grateful that Fin wasn't questioning why he'd asked him to go, it implied more than he and Olivia had wanted to share yet. He also knew it looked like he was being over protective, and was sure it was just the newness of being thrust into fatherhood along with the prominence of their surroundings, but he couldn't let it sit.

The silence was deafening in the room, Liv looked back at him with a tiny confused shrug. It was weird seeing their roles reversed, usually it was him looking back from the desk to find her face. After what felt like an eternity, the judge was clearly losing patience too, declaring a 15 minute time limit for Sheila to arrive before she would dismiss, and threats of a fine for wasting court time. Sheila's Lawyer had pleaded, but Rafael thought the Judge was being too lenient as it was, not that it was his place to say.

He continually checked his phone in his hand. Nothing. How slow could Fin be going? He was getting impatient. With a few minutes to go before the time limit was up, his phone flashed, _'finally'_ , but it wasn't Fin it was Lucy, _"Can you come outside?", "We're in family court still",_ he shot a reply back, had she forgotten? _"I know, we're here"._ We? Rafael had no choice but to quietly get up, and excuse himself as the court marshal opened the door for him to slip out. He scanned the corridor, to see Lucy carrying Noah towards him. _"What are you doing here? What's happened?"_ Lucy, usually a queen of calm and serenity, had a face etched with stress.

He reached out to take Noah from her, he was surprised Lucy's petite frame had managed to carry him so far. Noah clung to him, arms latching tightly round Rafael's neck, when he realised Noah's eyes were red from crying, something they rarely saw from him, Rafael almost descended into blind panic. "Why isn't he in school?", "There was an incident", "What happened?" Rafael instinctively he held his son closer, running a soothing hand up and down Noah's back whilst whispering 'it's okay mijo, you're safe', he just presumed another altercation with a classmate after _Fathers-Day-Gate._ "The school called me, I'm first on the list. I didn't know what was going on until I got there, it what chaos. I'm really sorry Rafael", "No, no, you don't have to be sorry Lucy, thank you for going. But why are you here and not at the apartment?" Assuming they'd sent Noah home for the day, Rafael was a little confused. "A Detective Tutuola sent me here with him, he said to say 'Sheila Porter' to you?" Lucy had absolutely no clue what that meant, wondering if it was a code word. She knew their jobs, so it wouldn't surprise her.

Rafael leapt into attorney mode at the revelation, aware it was crucial to what was going on just yards away from them behind closed doors. He muttered to Noah that he'd be right back, and tried to hand him back to Lucy, but Noah was having none of it, only gripping him tighter, crying "No Daddy". It was highly unorthodox, but considering what he'd just heard Rafael didn't really want to part with Noah either, so he didn't fight back, instead striding his way back to court still holding his boy to his chest. A few exchanged words, and an unashamed abuse of of his ADA credentials saw him being let back in the courtroom.

He could see fury on the Judge's face at the interruption, it didn't matter how nice they were as people, as soon as they were in session with a gavel in their hand, all Judges were antsy. Looking as apologetic as he could muster to placate her, considering he didn't actually care he was interrupting despite his respect for the court, Rafael entered the row of seats behind Trevor Langham. Olivia's face had creased into a mix of confusion and anxiety at the sight of them entering the room, but Rafael didn't have time to address her, she'd just have to trust him, instead whispering into the lawyer's ear. Trevor immediately jumped to his feet, "permission to approach your Honour?".


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Thanks for the lovely reviews & follows for far :) This chapter has a couple of paragraphs that toes the line of M.**

 **Chapter 7**

They, and the case pending investigation, had been dismissed. Olivia didn't know how to feel, she knew she should feel elated, but nothing about what had been declared felt final enough. What she also wanted to know, was why on earth her son was clinging to Rafa like a koala, and not in school. As soon as court was dismissed, Olivia had turned towards the benches behind her and laid a hand on Noah's back, who was still being held close by Rafael. "Not here", Rafa said before she could open her mouth, he glanced towards opposing council and she understood. Lowering Noah to the ground for the first time since he got to the court, Olivia took her sons hand and lovingly ran her other over his head, with them both there Noah was obviously feeling more secure. Exiting the courtroom to find a quiet corner, Lucy rejoined them, away from prying ears. The truth is, they didn't have much to discuss, but they weren't willing to let anything on to Sheila's team. Lucy recounted everything she knew from the school, which wasn't a lot as her focus had been on Noah, and Trevor had asked a few questions; ultimately it was going to be a waiting game until they could get hold of Fin who in that moment wasn't answering his phone.

With little else they could do, Olivia and Rafael had done their best to ease Lucy's mind, telling her not to worry and that they'd see her tomorrow. Then they had taken Noah home, where he'd recovered much quicker from his scary ordeal, than the two adults who hadn't taken their eyes off him.

Olivia and Rafael were largely still in the dark, neither able to get many details at all, regardless of their connections. There wasn't an adequate word to describe how angry Olivia felt, once they had got home the shock had worn off to be replaced by rage, it radiated off off her, and not even Rafael was willing to try and calm her. Frankly, he didn't blame her either, he felt the same, just more able to keep his cool.

They were both torn between one of them going to the station where Sheila was being questioned, and neither of them wanting to leave Noah. Knowing full well that it was highly unlikely either would be allowed to get even close, they'd stayed together watching cartoons with Noah sandwiched between them on their bed, which had felt like a safe retreat.

Noah had fallen asleep mid afternoon, something that he hadn't done for a few years, the events of the day taking their toll. Olivia was running her fingers through his curly hair, watching his chest rise and fall, when there was a knock at their door. Rafael shot up from the bed in heightened alert, before he could remember that Sheila was at the station. He looked to Liv wondering out loud if it could be her team, but Olivia really didn't know.

He opened the door to find William Dodds in the hallway, automatically stepping back to let him in. "I'll get Liv", it was obvious why he was there. Joining Dodds in the living room, Noah safely tucked up asleep in their bed, they were able to find out more. The senior had stepped into Olivia's role to lead her team, it was attempted child abduction and SVU were desperately trying to hold onto the case. He first asked how they were, before launching into the details they had been desperate to know.

"A teacher at Noah's school intervened when she spotted a woman she didn't recognise with Noah in the playground, Porter told them she was his Grandmother there to take him to a Doctors appointment. There was an altercation when she tried to pick Noah up, and she was forced to leave. The school called 911, and your Nanny. When Fin and Rollins arrived, the school had assumed they were the response team to their call; they'd given a description of the woman and Fin was able to ID her. We picked Porter up at her air b'n'b just in time, she was packing her bags. Barba I don't know what 6th sense you've developed, but we would have missed her if you hadn't sent Fin over". Rafael passed a pursed smile towards Dodds, he appreciated the comment, but it didn't feel like something to be proud of considering the circumstances.

Olivia felt like all the air had left her body and reached out for Rafa's hand to ground herself, how could Sheila have known where Noah's school was? She voiced to Dodd's and Rafael that she had consciously never shared those kinds of details. She had been so wary of Sheila, that she hadn't even said what Rafael did for a living, let alone give away details like Noah's school. She was still a Lieutenant, and all of her training and experience had made her extra cautious, so she specifically hadn't given away anything that could be searched or looked into.

Dodd's looked a little uncomfortable, "I have to ask, have either if you experienced anything out of place, or odd recently?" Rafael and Liv shared a look, and Rafa spoke on their behalf. He didn't know how much Dodds knew, so he started at the beginning. Sheila appearing at the apartment out of the blue, challenging Noah's adoption, the tone the conversation in the coffee shop took, what Olivia thought she'd seen at the park. Dodd's just gave a well practised, classic NYPD non-committal nod, that gave away nothing but let you know they were listening.

"You understand we have to investigate further, but it looks like your instincts were right here Olivia. We think Porter has been tracking Noah, with the help of some information from her PI. When she lost the custody hearing and realised her chances at visitation were slim, she resorted to extreme desperate measures by trying to take Noah at school". He left out that Fin had uncovered a record of her being committed to a stint in a mental health institution some years ago, he felt like that could wait for another day, they'd been through enough.

"She knew we'd all be in the courthouse, she planned it all." Olivia whispered. Rafael dropped her hand and guided her to the sofa to sit down with him, though he couldn't tell if it was more for her or for him, his legs felt like they might give way. Rafael had experienced plenty of hate and threats directed towards him over time, when you had to pick a clear side for a living you were never going to please everyone, but this was Noah. A five year old little boy, who couldn't fend for himself. The last time Rafael had felt like this, was when he found out Olivia had been taken by Lewis, Noah's ordeal had ended up the polar opposite to that, but it showed just how strongly he felt.

They both had more questions, but Dodds either couldn't or wouldn't share. "She will be held at least for tonight. Your detectives are interviewing at the school as we speak. I just need your Nanny's details if it's ok?"

Getting up to leave, Dodd's addressed them both, "I promise to keep you as updated as I can, but I don't want to see you at work tomorrow, you're on a day's leave. You too Barba, I've already spoken with the DA. We're in agreement that neither of you can be near this anyway, and is a good a reason as any to have some family time". Both were grateful at the sentiment from their bosses, they hadn't had a chance to think about work or what tomorrow might bring.

Dodds departed, leaving them feeling shell shocked. Rafael was the first to speak with a small smirk on his face, "Should I ask how much Fin knows?", Olivia looked at him a little sheepishly, "All of it. But more importantly, you sent Fin to Noah's school?", they hadn't fully dissected the day together yet, choosing instead to focus on Noah, and contemplate individually in their own minds. He brushed over her reply about Fin, he wasn't bothered, "I just had this feeling I couldn't ignore, it was like I knew he wasn't okay Liv. Am I crazy?", Olivia smiled at him, her heart bursting with love for the man in front of her, "No, you're just a parent Rafa".

That night, they slept 3 in the bed, each flanking Noah, sleeping just a little better knowing that he was safe with them. They set no alarms, their enforced day off meant they had nowhere to be.

Things felt unsettled when they woke the following day, neither had slept particularly well. Partly because with Noah in their bed they had both experienced a foot in the stomach or a hand in their face as he'd wriggled around, and partly because when they were woken their brains wouldn't quieten down.

Rafael had woken first, feeling the urge to run. He was tired, but he needed an outlet to clear the fog in his head. A lot had happened in the last few weeks, and the unrelenting pace of of their lives had meant he hadn't had a chance to properly contemplate everything. He wouldn't for a moment change the permanent addition of Olivia and Noah to his life, but very quickly he had gone from a bachelor, living alone, dancing around a woman he'd fallen in love with from afar, to a fully fledged family man with some serious responsibility. He realised he was using his apartment as a glorified storage locker, and hadn't stayed there for weeks. He had a five year old calling him Dad like it was second nature, and navigated being a boyfriend, which if his history was anything to go by, was not his forté. He was in deep, and Noah was now a lifelong commitment even if things didn't turn out well with Olivia, he knew he'd always do his best to live up to being his Dad. It wasn't that Rafa wanted to be extracted, not at all, it had all just happened so fast that he needed a chance to breathe. Leaving a note in the kitchen, not to disturb Olivia or Noah, he headed for his apartment.

It was early afternoon before Rafael had headed back towards Olivia's, choosing to walk in the summer sun. He'd run 10k, the burn in his lungs as he pushed himself felt good, grounding. Back at his apartment the silence was hard to get used to again, but he'd caught up on his post, dealt with some personal paperwork, and sorted out some of his things. Feeling organised again helped, and he felt far more 'together' as he made his way through the New York streets. Walking past a florist, he spontaneously chose a bouquet for Olivia, hoping it would bring a smile to her face. He knew he'd have to keep working hard on himself to cope with the changes in his life; they weren't bad things, just big things, and he truly wanted to give them the best of him.

Rafael had found them both in the living room building K'nex structures, "For you" he'd said simply, letting the gesture speak for itself. She'd smiled feeling lucky, and kissed him in thanks, "they're beautiful". Olivia had woken up in a foul mood, still feeling angry about everything that had happened, barely keeping her feelings in check around Noah. She felt irrationally annoyed that Rafael had gone out too, but she didn't say anything. He had every right to, he wasn't a prisoner confined to her apartment, and if she really thought about it, he'd been accepting of an awful lot recently. Much more than she thought he'd ever have been prepared to take on when she first met him, but he'd proved her wrong again and again, and here he was surprising her with flowers, just because.

"What are we making mijo?" He knelt down at the coffee table opposite Noah, playing with some of the pieces. "A rocket to escape from the dinosaurs! Can you help?!". Of course they were. Noah's crazy imagination never failed to amaze him. "Absolutely", as he started to gather the bits. "Hey Liv? When did you buy some more of this?!" He asked her, clicking the plastic pieces together. "I didn't? What do you mean?" she looked genuine. "These bits aren't from the set that we bought him", "That's weird, maybe Lucy bought it for him?". Addressing Noah, "Hey Noh, did Lucy get you some more K'Nex?", knowing they needed to thank her. "It was a present!" he said brightly, not looking up from his construction.

The three of them felt more calm as the afternoon wore on, and by dinner time they were feeling a lot better. Not enough to want to head out into the outside world, but enough to relax back into their night time routine. It was important to normalise Noah as soon as possible and not have him in bed with them every night, even if Olivia and Rafael didn't feel completely over it all.

With Noah safely back in his own bed, Olivia had run a bath wanting to soothe the stresses that her aching muscles carried. She'd been so tense, and could feel referred pain all through her shoulders. She was removing Noah's toys from around the edges of the bath, when Rafael appeared in the doorway, setting a glass of wine on the side for her. "Where's yours?" She'd asked him, heavy with implication. He felt the burning desire build in the very base of his stomach, instantly twitching with hardness. It might only have been a little over a week since they'd had any intimacy beyond kissing, but he was craving her. He stepped forward, capturing her in his arms, pressing a searing kiss to her lips and leaving a trail down the side of her neck to her collar bone, before pulling away to retrieve his own glass.

They'd sunk blissfully into the bath, Olivia settled between his legs, her back pressed against his chest. They spoke no words, instead just enjoyed the serenity together, all touches and strokes. Rafael grazed his fingers across her wet body, dropping kisses to her shoulder, lazily dipping his fingers in and out of her core. He worked her to her peak, her hand reaching behind her to anchor on his neck as she slipped further from reality. Her action only exposed more of her body to him, and he was almost painfully hard pressing into her back, but focussing on Olivia's pleasure was all that mattered to him. Their bath had been incredibly intimate, and it wasn't until afterwards that they realised it had been exactly what they had needed after the pressure recent events had put on them. Being a couple was still new to them, and they didn't wan't to lose out on any of that special bonding time exploring and getting to know each other on a new level. Back in bed, she'd surprised him again with her confidence, pushing him backwards and straddling him. The sight of her riding him had almost instantly pushed him over the edge alone. Spent, they'd fallen asleep tangled together; work, Sheila Porter, the case, all far from either of their minds.

—

The following morning Olivia was hesitant about taking Noah back to school, but their activities from the previous night had left her feeling particularly connected to Rafael still, she took strength and confidence from him, and with a little cajoling had dropped him off directly to his teacher. The school were still on high alert too, the incident still resonating, but that made Olivia feel better. She re-confirmed that Lucy would pick him up, and headed to the precinct, hoping for as normal a day as possible.

When she arrived at work Olivia had found that she was still being stone walled, her team had been given strict instructions not to speak to her about the case to ensure its integrity was protected. She knew she would have done the same if the boot was on the other foot, but it didn't make it any less frustrating. Instead, she'd barricaded herself in her office and tackled all the paperwork she usually tried to ignore, just needing to be busy. There wasn't even a lunch time reprieve with Rafael, he was snowed under playing catch up from their enforced day off. There hadn't been any point handing off his case load to someone else just for one day, and so he was doubled down. He had promised to make sure he came home that night though, which had made her smile.

One advantage of her being excluded from the case, was that Olivia easily left work on time, and she was looking forward to some one on one time with Noah. Rafa was definitely still flavour of the month with him, and although she didn't mind, secretly loving watching their bond grow, she was selfishly looking forward to being the centre of his attention for a few hours.

Opening the door to her apartment, she found Noah at the table eating his dinner with Lucy. "Mama!" He was bright eyed and happy to see her. "Hey sweet boy", pressing a kiss to his head, "dinner looks tasty!", "The broccoli doesn't!" He pouted. Olivia laughed, some things never changed!

Lucy followed Olivia into the kitchen, knowing Olivia wanted to get an update on his day. She had been worried that Noah would have been a little re-traumatised going back into school, but Lucy assured her he'd had a great day and not mentioned it once. Relieved, the two ladies chatted; Lucy might be their godsend of a Nanny but Olivia regarded her as a friend too. Grabbing her coat and bag, Lucy went to bid farewell to them both, when Olivia remembered the K'Nex. "Oh Lucy, I meant to say, it was really sweet of you, but you didn't have to buy K'Nex for Noah. You do enough!" Olivia didn't want to look unappreciative, she wasn't at all, in fact she had figured the new toy was part of a distraction tactic during the heavy case week where they had barely made it home, but she didn't want Lucy feeling obliged to spend her money on her son. Lucy looked puzzled though, "Liv that's nice of you to say, but I didn't buy anything?". "Sorry?", it was a confused statement more than a question from Olivia, "I didn't buy anything" Lucy repeated slowly "I figured it was from you and Rafael because you were stuck at work?", "Figured what was from us?", "The K'Nex, it was wrapped up on the coffee table when we got back from school last week, Thursday I think?". Olivia's head span, and she felt sick. At her paling face, Lucy dropped her bag and coat and guided Olivia to a seat in the living room a safe distance from Noah. "We didn't leave him anything Lucy" she said barely audible. The two woman felt shocked, no one else had a key but them and Rafael, how had it got there? Olivia was the one who sprang into action first, "Lucy, I hate to ask, but could you stay just a little longer?", "Of course" Lucy knew everything that had happened the last few weeks, and sensed that the saga wasn't over.

Selecting Fin's number from her contact list, she impatiently waited for him to answer, "Hi Lieu" the voice of Amanda answered. Olivia was momentarily confused thinking she'd dialled the wrong number, "Fin is in, erm interviewing", Olivia took that to mean Sheila Porter. "Manda, I think Sheila has been in my apartment.", a shocked "What?" came down the line. Olivia knew how it sounded, it sounded unbelievable even as the words came out of her mouth, but her instincts were screaming at her. Through the phone Olivia heard a familiar tap on glass, usually she was the one on the receiving end of the sound, being summoned out of the interrogation room. She heard the muffled voices of her team, as Amanda relayed what Liv had said. Coming back on the line, "Liv I'm coming over".

Hanging up the phone, she dialled Rafa's number to let fill him in. He was ready to drop everything and come to them, but she persuaded him to stay at work knowing his workload must be enormous, even if he played it down to her; in the nicest possible way there was nothing he could do anyway. Promising to keep him in the loop, she hung up and went to sit with Lucy, needing to understand everything that she had seen before Amanda got there and separated them for interviewing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

By the time Rafael had got to Olivia's apartment, it was late, and the commotion had long died down. Statements had been taken, someone from CSI visited, and they along with Lucy and Amanda had left.

Olivia was just creeping out of Noah's bedroom after resettling him from a dream, when he got there, and they made a bee line for each other, sinking into a wordless embrace. "When will it end Rafa?", "I know, I can't believe it" he spoke into her hair. Separating, he asked her if CSI had found anything. He had been impressed at the speed someone had been there, but not surprised, Olivia was on first name terms with a majority of the Crime Scene Investigators in Manhattan, and even so the NYPD looked after their own. "They lifted all the different fingerprints they could find, but we wont know if they are ours or hers until they've been processed. We should know tomorrow" was all she honestly knew. With no more to be said on the matter, both already as up to speed as they could be, Olivia changed tack asking him about his day, it had clearly been a long one. Rafael headed towards the bedroom to change from his suit, bed already calling his name.

They skipped sofa time that evening, and Olivia joined him in the bedroom walking in on him just as he dropped his shirt and t-shirt into the laundry hamper. It hadn't been her intention, but she gladly took the chance to watch his muscles flex across his back as he dug out a fresh top to sleep in; she had developed a thing for his biceps, the t-shirt he'd pulled over his head only accentuating them. Stepping towards him, she circled her arm around to the front of his chest, running her fingers down to his stomach, and sighed into his back. He didn't have chiseled abs, but he was taught and strong, and she loved how safe she felt with him. He turned to face her, but let her continue her exploration, running her fingers back up and across his shoulders, leaning in to kiss above his heart. "Te amo Rafa", he groaned "you know what you speaking in Spanish does to me mi amor!". Her fingers were like fire on his skin, but he knew this wasn't about sex, it was a need for an intimate connection to ground them. He responded by kissing her first on the forehead, then capturing her lips. Opting to watch tv cuddled up in bed, neither took long to fall asleep. Olivia's sleep was fitful though, despite the fact they didn't know anything for sure, their sanctuary felt invaded, and she found it hard to settle.

When she made her way into the precinct the following day, the results from CSI was all Olivia was interested in. She placed a box of breakfast pastries on the desk in front of her team, and they eyed her with scepticism. "This wouldn't be a bribe would it Liv?" Amanda's eyes danced, clearly joking, as she reached in for the cinnamon roll before Carisi could beat her to it. "I know the effort you're putting into this case, just a thank you" she said sincerely, "but if a CSI report is left open in my eye line, it wouldn't be so bad" she winked at them. Amanda and Carisi shared a glance, an uncomfortable silence descended and Fin spoke "they matched Sheila's prints". Olivia rested her hands on the desk in front of her to steady herself, they'd had this conversation a million times, just never about her own place. "Inside or out?". Silence. " _inside_ or _outside_ my door?" Olivia said more sternly. "Inside the frame" Fin said cautiously. "I'm going to kill her." Olivia muttered, she didn't mean it, but even with all the things she had witnessed in her career, she couldn't believe it.

Not being able to face another day cooped up in her office, she picked up a few things, and headed to Rafael's office, hoping she could work from there instead. She smiled at Carmen who was on the phone and just waved Olivia in. She tapped at his door "Come in", he wasn't expecting her so she thought it best to knock first. Olivia didn't think she would ever get used to seeing his face break into a smile when she appeared, it made her heart feel fuller. "This is a nice surprise hermosa" he got up from his desk to greet her with a kiss. "How is your day? Would I be in the way if I worked here, I needed a change of scene from the four walls of my office?", "Of course not. Though I might not get any work done with you in my eye line" he grinned at her. "That was easy, I guess I didn't need to bribe you with lunch then!", "If knew a plea deal was on the table, I'd have held out longer!" They both smiled, and he moved to close the door as she set her things down. Tentatively he broached her "Any news?", the atmosphere in the room suddenly thickened, but Olivia didn't try to soften the blow, Rafael was a protector by nature and she knew there wasn't any good way to break the news to him. "They matched her prints, inside and outside of our door". Folding her arms across her chest, Rafael blew out the air he'd held as she spoke. This woman was something else. Before they could discuss the potential consequences of the results, they were interrupted by Rafael's phone ringing, he grazed his thumb from her lips up her jawbone in a comforting gesture, not breaking eye contact with her as he answered the person on the end of the line. Sensing a long call, she kissed the palm of his hand that had stilled on her face, and settled in the chair closest to his desk; Pulling out a few files, she began scanning timecards. Fun.

In the end, Rafael's phone call had taken him away from the office all afternoon. He'd been apologetic, but told her to stay and use his space. He still wasn't back when Olivia made a spontaneous decision to surprise Noah and pick him up from school, she rang Lucy to let her know she could have the evening off, and headed to surprise her boy.

It was another late evening for Rafael, though not as bad as the night before, but he'd still missed Noah's bed time. Thankfully it was Friday and nothing was looming that should pull him back to the office over the weekend. He'd entered the kitchen to find Olivia furiously cleaning in a trance, when he'd touched her shoulder she'd nearly jumped a mile, shocking them both. "Liv what are you doing? It's nearly 10 o'clock.", Olivia sighed "I feel violated Raf", he knew what she was talking about instantly. He took the cloth and bottle of cleaning fluid from her hands and set them slowly down on the counter, and held her hands in his. She looked exhausted, and it wasn't from work where she was still benched. He could see that everything was taking a toll on her.

"Rafa this place doesn't feel right anymore, it all feels violated", he pulled her into a cuddle, and her arms looped easily around him, as she carried on her rant "I don't know how she got in, who else knows, what she did, where she went, what she touched. It doesn't feel safe here anymore. It doesn't feel like home."

Rafael's heart hurt to hear her say she didn't feel safe, and made a split second decision, "go and pack a bag", he broke away from her and directed her towards the bedroom. Was he mad? He was the one that had just stated it was 10pm. He sensed what she was thinking. "Liv if you don't feel safe here, we don't have to stay. We're going to mine". She didn't know why she hadn't thought of it herself, it was a great idea, but she stopped herself, "but Noah is..". "It's the weekend, and Noah will love a late night adventure, it'll be fine. Go pack, I'll sort out Noah". Half an hour later, bags packed, and a taxi booked, Rafael was gently lifting Noah from his bed. He was heavy with sleep and barely registered being moved, instead snuggling into the crook Rafael's neck, his small hand sneaking inside Rafael's jacket to clutch his suspender, it was a self soothe that Noah hadn't done since he was a toddler. Olivia couldn't help but smile at his action, tucking a blanket over him, it was July but he was only in his pyjamas.

The doorman at Rafael's building had been helpful getting their things to his apartment, ever the professional he asked no questions about the scene in front of them. Noah had only been to Rafael's a handful of times, his doorman used to only seeing Rafael on his own or with Liv, but he was paid to protect the privacy of the tenants, it was none of his business.

Noah had woken up in the car ride over, curious at their adventure. He hadn't asked questions, more interested in pointing out the buildings lit up like Christmas trees as they drove by. He never usually got to see the city at that time, and he was fascinated. His second wind was short lived though, and as Rafael laid him in the bed in his spare room Noah was already asleep again before he could tuck the covers around him.

"Thank you for this" Olivia said as he joined her in the sitting area. He popped a bottle of scotch, and poured two glasses, this was a hard liquor night. "You never have to thank me Liv". He joined her on the sofa, smiling at her as he thought back to the last time they were here, he was still gazing when her brain clearly caught the same train, and she swatted his leg. "What! I find you irresistible in any situation" he said with mock hurt. "Seriously though mi amor, do you feel better here?", "So much better".

He had gone for a shower, emerging from the en suite to find her in bed wearing one of his t-shirts. She wasn't trying to be sexy, but she absolutely was. There in his bed, at her most comfortable, she was beautiful. "I love you Liv", she looked up to see him, towel slung low around his waist as he dug out something to sleep in "I love you like that" she grinned. "Oh really, that's the reason?", he came to her side of the bed and kissed her "Yes really. But not the only reason", "Good save!".

As he pottered, getting himself ready for bed, she spoke into the room "Rafa, what if my place never feels safe again?", she looked dejected, "We'll figure it out, I promise. Please don't worry about that tonight.", but she needed to talk about it, Olivia felt uprooted. "We could.. could we maybe move here, do you think, would that be an option?", Rafael paused at her question, there was a bigger question nestled in there whether she had intended it or not, that they should move in together. He pondered, it wasn't a brand new consideration to him, he often found himself wondering why they paid out on two places when they were only ever at one, though he was grateful he did have his place tonight.

His pause was clearly too long, and Olivia had lost her nerve "Oh, sorry, I mean, never mind". She'd jumped several steps ahead of him, not waiting for him to catch up. "No, wait up, just can you see Noah living here? He gestured at the shiny, pristine hardwood floors, and the stark furniture. "Oh. You don't want him here" she looked miserable. Rafael stared at her, Olivia was way off base tonight. "No, right, I'm calling time out." Joining her on the bed, he spoke softly "I'm going to choose to believe you didn't really mean that. I need you to stop that mind of yours running 100 miles a minute, and listen to me. What I meant was, whilst I'm very glad we were able to come here tonight, my apartment is hardly designed with a child in mind. Home for me, is wherever you and Noah are Liv, so maybe if neither of our places feel right, we could find somewhere new. Together.". Olivia felt a bit embarrassed for jumping to conclusions, "are you sure you ready for a full time Noah hurricane?", "I am mi amor, just can you really imagine hurricane Noah sliding across these hardwood floors? It'd be a disaster waiting to happen!" Olivia couldn't help but smile at the image, he was right, it would be chaos.

"Well okay, I guess we could look at some apartments then?", even if her place did feel better again, if they were going to live together, they could do with more space anyway. "Well" Rafael started to reply. This was a big conversation for them, it was a serious commitment, not just legally. He was all for it, but there were a few things she'd find out if they were going to do this. "What about a townhouse?" He suggested carefully, "In what lifetime Raf!?", "This one. I've always wanted to own stairs" he said seriously, sharing one of his dreams with her. "I'd love to have a house with you Rafa, I really would, but I think we need to stay around here for work and Noah's school?" Olivia knew any house in budget would mean moving out of Manhattan, "I know. So do I", Olivia felt like he wasn't hearing her, she was just trying to remain realistic, "Rafa, I know we have good jobs, but there is no way we could afford a house on our salaries around here?". She didn't know what he earned, from his expensive flairs she hazard a guess it was significant, but doubted it was Manhattan Brownstone levels, and the NYPD Lieutenant salary certainly wasn't that generous. She watched Rafael get up from the bed and pad out of the room, she called after him thinking she'd offended him "Raf, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" she wasn't even sure he could hear her any more, and she didn't want to yell and wake Noah up, but she felt like she was saying all the wrong things tonight.

Moments later Rafael reappeared with a folder in his hands, Liv picked up her sentence "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be dismissive of your idea, of what you want." Rafael didn't respond, instead simply placed the folder in her hands, and settled at the foot of the bed facing her. She didn't move, and he waved to her to go ahead and open it. Tentatively she looked, Olivia wasn't an expert, but she knew it must be his finance portfolio. "Raf, I shouldn't be looking at this" closing the folder and handing it back. "Olivia, we said we'd be squabbling at 85 no? I'm in this for the long haul, I have no problem being open with you, I just hope what's in there is okay." She still hesitated, Rafael repeated his permission to her, "Please! It's fine, go ahead. I have nothing to hide from you". Still feeling uncomfortable, Olivia reopened the folder, it didn't help that she could still feel his eyes on her.

As she leafed through the pages, she felt a bit light headed. She knew Rafael had a good job, but these were figures she couldn't comprehend. She continued to look, and Rafael broke the silence "Before I was with the DA's office, I was in private law for a while." Olivia was surprised that she didn't know this about him, she just presumed he had always been on the same path. It felt like a silly assumption now she knew though. "Whilst my friends were out buying boats, I was content to just borrow them". Olivia wasn't surprised that Rafa's El Barrio roots had kept him humble, and she loved him for it. She thought back to his sanctioned 4 week unpaid leave, he'd shown up at their office looking like he'd come straight from the deck, and at the time the team had assumed it was from his own boat. "I could never understand why they'd spend millions on something that would sit floating in a marina unused for 95% of the year. So I chose to continue living my life the same as I always had, and my pot just grew".

Olivia was still turning the pages, but she felt a bit overwhelmed and wasn't really taking it in. Then her hand stilled on a page, Rafael had been waiting for her to get to it, and he held his breath unusually nervous. "What's this?", he didn't answer her as she put the folder down and took a closer look at the page in her hand. "You set up a trust fund for Noah?", she whispered. Rafael prayed she wouldn't be offended. "I did". Then Olivia clocked the date. "But Rafa, this was three years ago? We weren't…" she didn't know what to say, so he took it as his time to explain. "I know we weren't, but Liv I already knew I loved you back then, and Noah was this light in my life, so I created the trust fund knowing I wanted to leave him something that would help him achieve whatever he wants to in his life. He's going to be amazing you know Liv, whatever he decides to do." He came back from his tangent, "I was going to tell you, but then Tucker happened, and Brian happened, and I just didn't find the right time. It's set up for him to have supported access at 16 and 18, then its up to him from 21".

Olivia had inadvertently winced at his mentions of her previous relationships, it had been a twisty road to get them to where they were right now. "Rafael, I don't know what to say". "I hope you aren't offended Liv. I just knew I couldn't take it all with me to the grave, and I didn't have anyone I could share any of it with, until now.". Olivia was surprised that he thought she'd been offended, it was the most generous thing she had known anyone ever do, and she went to a lot of benefit galas. This was a completely selfless act, Rafa had no way of knowing their paths would have ended up together. "Basically, we could retire and enjoy our house tomorrow if you want?" He was joking, but she was still stunned, "Okay too soon." he backtracked. "How about just the house?", Olivia laughed to placate him, but she was still processing. "I wish you'd told me back then that you loved me Rafa" she said more seriously, " _that_ is what you have to say about all this?!" He joked to cover that he felt a little uncomfortable, was it weird that he'd loved her without saying anything for so long? "Look, all this" she waved her hands at the now closed file, "is amazing Rafael, you must have worked so hard to build that up, and I'm blown away that you want to share it with me and with Noah. But it's not the thing I care about most, you are, I wish you'd told me back then, because maybe we would have had so much more time together, I could have told you I loved you back then too".

Olivia was clueless that he'd felt like that back then, as far as she had known he was loving life as a Manhattan eligible bachelor. She couldn't help but wonder how different life could have been for them. Placing the folder on the floor by the bed, Rafael crawled up to hover over her, "I never stopped loving you Liv, it crept up on me and once I realised it, there was never going to be any one but you. I never gave up hope, and all that matters is we made it", he slipped his arm around her and manoeuvred her to lie under him, resting his weight on his forearms over her, and kissed her like air didn't matter. They were moving at lightning speed but nothing had felt more right.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N - I think this is wrapping up, at least one more chapter after this, but we'll see. I hope you enjoy.**

 **Chapter 9**

Liv was stood in the break area of her office pouring a coffee, she knew it wasn't going to taste anywhere as good as the cart, but it was early and she needed something. They'd had an earlier start than usual with Rafael's apartment being further to Noah's school, that weekend she still hadn't felt comfortable going back home, so they were out of routine too. Noah had loved the change though, feeling like they were on holiday staying in a hotel, and on Saturday Rafael had gone back to her place and collected some things Olivia had forgotten in haste, and as a bonus had picked up some of Noah's toys. Olivia might be his fearless warrior at work, but at home he would protect and care for them if she'd let him.

Despite feeling tired, Olivia was glad to be back at the helm of SVU. The Porter case was going to trial under an ADA Stone, so she was free to rejoin her team and push Sheila to the back of her mind. The events of the last few weeks certainly weren't behind them, but they were far enough away not to weigh her down, and Olivia was able to look to her future a bit more brightly. That weekend they'd casually looked at some houses online, they'd talked about what they liked and didn't like, and agreed that they wanted to keep it modest. A three bedroom so they could have people to stay, space for an office so they could work from home more, and if possible some garden space for Noah, though they realised that last one might be a tough box to check in Manhattan. They'd even asked Noah, who'd asked for a room especially for his lego, they'd laughed when they'd simultaneously considered that at least it would keep the pieces in one place. It hadn't really mattered what they'd landed on though, it had just been so nice to focus on something positive. At times Olivia still couldn't believe that she had the family she'd always longed for, her son, and the love of her life.

Olivia was still musing in her own world when Amanda and Sonny joined her, she hadn't even realised they'd got to the office, making her jump. "I wonder what you could have been day dreaming about?" Amanda playfully nudged Olivia's elbow, "Couldn't possibly imagine" Sonny played along with her. They deposited their lunches in the fridge and scarpered; Olivia might be their friend, but she was also their boss, so they'd chickened out and retreated before they could hear her answer. Not that Olivia was going to give them anything, she and Rafa had already spoken, realising that after everything that had happened with Sheila, they were all going to have figured them out for sure.

Heading back towards her office she bumped into Fin, quietly she addressed him "Hey, I know it's going to trial, but is there anything else I should know about Porter's case?", in hushed tones they moved into her office and closed the door. It wasn't about keeping her team out of the loop, more that it exonerated Rollins and Carisi from any backlash if anyone found out Fin had shared details with her.

Fin sighed, conflicted. He had known Olivia for 18 years, if SVU died a death tomorrow, she'd still be his friend. As her friend, he wanted to tell her everything because he knew how Liv ticked, but as her colleague, he knew he shouldn't, plus there was nothing to gain. "Liv what do you want to know? Do you really think it's going to help?", Olivia appreciated his unspoken reasoning but it didn't satisfy "I can't live my life wondering Fin, I don't want to be blindsided in court, and I need to draw a line under it all, a verdict isn't going to cut it". "I get it Liv". With the door closed and 'off the record' declared between them, Fin shared everything he knew, if anyone asked they'd deny they had ever spoken.

Olivia was sickened to hear the amount of times Sheila had managed to infiltrate Noah's life, and was most shocked to find out that after being shown her picture, Lucy had realised Sheila had approached Noah in the park at playdates on more than one occasion, masquerading as a mother of one of Noah's friends. There hadn't been a reason to alert Lucy to anything untoward at the time, or when they'd seemingly bumped into her again at the grocery store. It made Olivia question every decision she'd ever made to keep Noah safe, but second guessing her inner turmoil Fin had called her out on it, reminding her that none of them could have seen it coming, even Sheila's lawyer and the judge had fully bought into her facade.

Fin had also shared the background information he'd dug up on Sheila, including her being committed to an institution for her mental health, not that it surprised either of them any more. Fin felt guilty that he hadn't been able to share with Olivia sooner, but his digging had been put on hold when the high profile case had kicked in. He'd tried to tell her when he'd found her asleep with Barba in her office, then before he knew it she was in court and he'd been summoned to Noah's school. Olivia was adamant that guilt was something he shouldn't be feeling though, all she felt was gratitude for him being there for Noah, for knowing to send her boy to Rafael at the court house, for attacking the investigation with the same ferociousness that she would have. She was so grateful for him being her friend. "Thanks Fin, I needed that", she closed the file on the desk in front of her, a symbol of finality, "I don't know what you're talking about Liv" he replied knowingly with a rare Fin smile, opening her door for them to rejoin Amanda and Carisi.

Out on the floor, she looked up to see Rafael and a tray of coffee heading towards them. ' _That man is a God'_ she thought, after living with Rafael's love for good coffee, the station coffee had tasted more and more like burnt slop. But before she could address him, she heard Amanda "For us, _Rafa_?", "Yeah you shouldn't have, _Rafa_ ", with the case behind them her team were clearly feeling bold and that it was time for them to cash in their pent up banter. Lucky for them Rafael was in a good mood, "My bad, I thought this was SVU not the Comedy Club", handing Olivia a coffee silently, Amanda broke first "Seriously, guys, we're so happy for you", Carisi in her wake, "Yeah it's about time if I'm honest! Really happy for you".

Olivia watched their conversation as she savoured a few sips of her drink, and then spoke knowing she needed them to be aligned to the defined divide that she and Rafael had drawn a long time ago to protect their work, and if she was honest, their hearts. "Okay, here are the ground rules; in this room, in court, on a case, _anywhere_ work related he's only ever Barba. Don't expect any different from him, no special treatment, he's the ADA we need him to be. Nothing changes. Outside of work, around Noah, well, to be honest you can call him whatever you're brave enough to call him" she side eyed Rafael with a smile who rolled his eyes with a glint. He picked up from where she paused, "Anything, but Rafa" he pointed his hand clutching his coffee cup at each of them. Olivia felt her heart constrict a little in internal happiness, knowing he was protecting their thing. Her team were quick to accept "No we get it, that's Noah's name for you", Olivia and Rafael shared a look "Well actually that's not strictly true.. You're more likely to hear Noah call him Dad". Rafael looked at his feet, he loved that he was Noah's Dad, but he wasn't used to feeling exposed, this was in stark contrast to his reputation as the ADA with a big brass ego.

Her team clearly thought they had pieced the whole puzzle together before they officially outed themselves, so Olivia and Rafael wouldn't lie that it was a tiny bit satisfying to see their surprised faces. Fin was first to congratulate "Barba, that's just great man. Does this mean you're going to make it official?". Olivia choked in surprise "er you've only just found out about us, and you're already packing us off down the aisle!", they all, including Rafael, eyed her, and Fin cleared his throat "I meant adoption Liv", Rafael followed immediately after "But good to know", a smirk plastered on his face. Olivia not knowing what to say, simply called time "Okay I think we're done here. Work. On anything. All of you. Now. You, (Pointing at Rafael) come with me.", he followed laughing into her office and closed the door.

"Raf, hey I'm sorry about.. I didn't mean.. I mean I'd like.. But.. I don't mind if.." Rafael watched her stutter through, she was usually so self assured and he knew it was a little mean not to save her, but it was cute. He cut her off, "Liv, squabbling when we're 85 remember?" He walked over to her and circled his arms around her waist, it was a bold move for her office but this moment was important for them, and her team knew everything anyway. "Just give me a chance to get it right okay, I'll make asking _that_ question worthy of you." Olivia closed her eyes and internally sighed with relief, she'd been embarrassed that she'd taken Fins words the wrong way in front of her team, but she was infinitely more worried that Rafa might have bolted. "Erm, there is one thing Fin had a point about though.." Rafa spoke again, and Olivia fluttered her eyes back open to focus on his face. "I wanted to say something before, but we had so much going on. Look, the court case made me realise there isn't a single legal thing to tie me to Noah, and well, if you'd let me..". Olivia didn't make a habit out of crying, she'd become hardened to most things in her career, but hearing what Rafael was implying out loud had her eyes welling with tears.

Releasing herself from his embrace, and grabbing his hand, she lead him to her desk drawers. Opening the bottom one, she pulled out a familiar beige folder and handed it to him "I know it was a bit presumptuous, but when this stuff with Sheila happened, I got Trevor to draw these up". Olivia suddenly didn't feel nervous at all, it felt right, and watched as Rafael looked down he saw 'Name of Child: Noah Barba-Benson' at the top of Adoption Papers. "Squabbling until we're 85 Rafa".

Rafael was dumfounded, not just because of what he was holding, but because in that moment the frantic pace of their lives paused and he realised the true gravity of how his life had turned out. If Rafa was painfully honest with himself, he'd given up the dream of having a family, sure he had his Mom, but someone to love and share his days with; instead accepting that he would continue to pursue the love of his work for the rest of his life and make that his legacy. Before this moment in Olivia's office, everything had already surpassed his wildest expectations. His heart had been healed from Yelina and allowed him to truly love again, he'd let himself be uncharacteristically vulnerable and it had paid back in dividends, he'd built a bond that had given him a son. He couldn't have asked for more. Except now, with the adoption papers in his hands, he realised he had wanted more without knowing, there was something about seeing Noahs name intertwined with his, and he was overcome. He had a family of his own.

Reaching out to rest his hand low on Olivia's hip, Rafa tentatively asked her "Do you think you can get out of here for a bit with me? Walk with me?", he suddenly needed to get as far away from their work world as he could, and retreat into their bubble. She sensed it too, and simply nodded. Letting each other go, Rafael rubbed his nose and composed himself, she gave him a second and turned to open her door and calling out to her team "I'm heading out, but I'm on my phone if you need me". Whenever Olivia left the precinct it was usually to go to the courthouse or Rafael's office, but he was with her, so she didn't stop to let them answer, they didn't need to know why they were getting some air. It was their thing.

The sun shone in a bright blue sky, it was a perfect day. Heading towards the park, they walked in sync, hand in hand, his thumb drawing small circles on hers. They weren't rushing, Rafael was processing and Olivia was content to just be with him; no drama, no case, no worries, just time together because they could. They had been walking for a while, though she wasn't sure exactly how long, when Rafael next spoke. "I've been trying to work out what to say, and I just can't come up with anything eloquent". She bumped his shoulder in jest, them both knowing it was a rarity for him, but this didn't feel like a time for banter. "I wish I could explain just how much I love you Olivia. How much you've changed my life for the better. You and Noah. I never knew what it felt like, to have all this, to be this happy. I didn't know how much I was letting myself miss out on, until you.". He'd stopped in the middle of the path to look into her eyes, and Olivia's heart constricted. She knew he loved her, they'd said it enough, but this was different. He was exposing all of him, this was him declaring undying love for her and her son, and she'd never experienced a power like it before. "I love you so very much Rafa" suddenly she knew how he felt, not being able to find the words. Leaning in, she kissed him in a way that toed the line of indecency for a public place. He pulled her flush to him and deepened their kiss, it wasn't like them to have PDA, but they were momentarily lost in each other. She tasted of coffee and cinnamon, he of cool mint, and it was intoxicating as their tongues duelled. Pulling away, only for the need of oxygen, he lifted his hand to cup her cheek stroking it. Neither said anything, simply interlocked their fingers back together, and walked on.

"Liv, can I ask you something?", "Anything", "Do you think I can do this, be a good Dad, it sounds ridiculous but.." She cut him off and answered his unfinished sentence, "I believe in you Rafa". She heard him let out a breath she didn't know he'd been holding. "I never thought I'd get the chance to be a Dad, I just want to be best one I can be to Noah, but it's not like I had a good role model". Olivia understood his questions had nothing to do with whether he wanted to adopt Noah or not, and more to do with him not turning into his Father. She knew the internal genetics struggle all too well. "Raf, let me ask you, did your Dad do any of the things with you, that you do with Noah?", "No" he replied quietly, "Doesn't that show you that you can have more confidence in yourself? We've been through so much with Noah in a short space of time that is more testing than most parents would endure in a life time. Yet we're here, on the other side, better for it". He squeezed her hand in reply, not wanting to go deeper, still trying to place his thoughts into something coherent.

They passed through a gate back on the street that lined the edge of the park, and turned to head back roughly the way they came. Rafael lifted her hand and placed his lips against the back of it, stilling for a moment, before letting it drop. His mind was still whirling, but he wanted her to know he was still there with her, still thinking about them.

He was broken from his thoughts, when Olivia stopped suddenly in the path, pulling his arm back. Following her eye line, he looked up to see what she was staring at. A house in the middle of the tree line that looked out over the park they'd just exited; a black double front door and the orange brickwork standing out against the white stone work, a julienne balcony ran across the front of three tall windows that had their original coving on the first floor, and solid black frames full of character outlined the windows on the second and third floors. "Rafa, do you ever feel like you're at home, when you're not?", "Maybe we are mi amor" he very quickly caught up with her train of thought, eyeing the for sale sign. Neither said anything much as they took in the building towering over them for a few minutes, Rafael snapped some pictures and of the for sale sign. Real estate moved fast in Manhattan, and if this place was meant to be, then they would have to as well. Pulling her forward towards the front door, Olivia yelped "What are you doing!", "Going to find out if this is our forever home?" as he purposefully rang the bell. "Que sera sera, if they answer we ask, if not we'll try something else. What do we have to lose?". Considering his day so far, Rafael was feeling particularly buoyant and like luck was on his side today.

They waited a few moments, Olivia already ready to bolt away, when there was a shuffle from behind the door. It swung open and a lady greeted them "Hello?", Rafael took the reigns "Hi, I apologise for the interruption, we were walking by when we saw your for sale sign, could I ask if it's still on the market?", the woman looked at them hesitantly, and Olivia who was better at doorstep intrusions than he was jumped in, "I apologise, this is my fault. My name is Olivia, we have been looking to move, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of being home when I saw your building. We'll follow more appropriate channels, I'm so sorry to disturb your day" steering Rafael away with her back to the safety of the street. The woman spoke again, "It is, would you like to come in?", it was Olivia's turn to be hesitant, and the woman smiled kindly "I think I can trust a police officer" nodding towards the badge on Olivias belt. Olivia smiled looking down, she'd forgotten it was there, lifting her head to look at Rafael for confirmation only to see him look back towards the front door, "Only if you really wouldn't mind?".

Valorie the home owner had been wonderful, briefly touring them around her house. They had fallen dangerously in love with the bright airy spaces, and soft finishes that felt minimal but comforting. It was bigger than they had originally been looking for, with 4 bedrooms, but they reasoned one could be turned into an office or a den giving them both space to work from home. They'd discovered that the current owners were relocating to the west coast with her husband's work taking them to California, they'd begrudgingly decided to uproot their family after receiving an offer they couldn't refuse. The clincher for Rafael and Olivia was when they saw the owners son's room, he was obviously a little older than Noah, but it was so easy to see him the baseball themed room. When they had seen Valorie's daughters room, Olivia had paused in the doorway and leant against the frame taking in the dusty pink space with toy fairies lining the window sill and a dolls house against the back wall. "One step at a time eh mi amor" Rafael had whispered to her with jest in his voice; she let him gently manoeuvre her down the hallway towards the master bedroom, but it wasn't lost on her what he'd just implied. Olivia hadn't asked anything, no words had left her mouth, he hadn't even been able to see her face, and even before then she had never mentioned a sibling for Noah. It wasn't that it hadn't crossed her mind, but she was getting older and Noah and Rafael filled every corner of her heart, so she'd not dwelled for long. But Rafael hadn't said no. He'd opened that possibility back up.

As they returned to the entry way by the front door, they thanked Valorie and apologised again for their intrusion. Rafael gave her his business card, "I think it's fair to say we're a little in love, I understand there are no guarantees, but would you please let us know if you have any interest before we can register ours?", there was a long way before they'd be in escrow. Valorie took his card, polite enough not to mention his strong credentials, simply saying "We have so many memories here, and it would mean a lot to us that another family moved in to make theirs". There was an unspoken understanding between them, it was well known that homes across the city were being converted into more profitable apartments. Her words had given them hope.

Bidding farewell with more thanks, they exited back onto the street, both feeling giddy at what they'd just seen, a peek into their potential future.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I've found my mojo with this again after taking a little break :)**

 **Chapter 10**

The weeks that followed were arguably mundane for Olivia and Rafael, and neither of them could be more thankful. Boring and eventless was perfectly fine by them as they fell into an easy routine; no dramas save for Noah testing his boundaries, and aside from work, life became relaxing and chilled out. They felt, dare they say it, like a real family. Week days were homework, reviewing cases from the sofa, less takeaways and actual cooking with Rafael teaching them some of his Grandmothers recipes, Saturdays revolved around Noah's little league games with them both cheering him on like the proud parents they were, and Sundays were their favourite, quiet days in pyjamas, cooking breakfast together and watching movies in their bubble.

One Thursday that serenity shattered with their first falling out. Sure they sparred at work and didn't always agree, but this time Olivia was livid with him. She'd held face until Noah was tucked away in bed, hushing "I love you too baby, sweet dreams" as she pulled his door closed. Normally she liked to leave Noah's door open a jar so she could hear him if he called out, but tonight she didn't want to wake him. She knew an argument was brewing, and although deep down she knew she shouldn't bring work home like this because that's what they'd long ago agreed, tonight she couldn't let it go. Rafael had asked her to commit perjury on the stand to help his case. He knew she'd done it only once before in her life with Lewis, and he knew the depths that guilt had burrowed into her being, she'd sworn she'd never do it again, never to put question to her integrity. He knew that, yet he'd still asked.

Rafael padded through the hallway of their building feeling drained, he'd had the longest of days topped off by an argument he'd never wanted to have with Olivia. His words had come out wrong, he'd implored her to understand, but she hadn't, she could only see red and she'd blown up at him outside of court. Turning his key in the lock, he quietly entered the apartment to find his fate. Olivia was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher, hair scraped back into a loose bun, wearing leggings and a jumper that wasn't his. Warning sign number one; she lived in his old jumpers. Warning sign number two was the deliberate way that she shoved the crockery into the cupboard, he was sure there would be chips. She was definitely still annoyed. "Hey Liv" he said tentatively, not knowing what kind of response he would get. He hated fighting with her, but he wasn't willing to fold when he didn't feel like he was completely in the wrong, and he knew if she had been on the outside looking in she'd have been more cross at him for apologising for what he believed in just to appease. "Don't you 'Hey Liv' me Barba". Rafael quietly sighed to himself, it was bad. "Barba?! So that's how it's going to be Liv?" He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that he was a little shocked that she'd called him Barba at home.

Rafael stayed at a safe distance in the living room, internally battling to keep his fiery Cuban disposition in check, knowing it would only make things worse. They hadn't fought like this before ever, and if he was honest, he was a little scared of what the outcome might be. Olivia broke the uncomfortable silence first, speaking angrily just above a whisper, he knew the only reason she wasn't shouting was Noah was in bed, and he was a little thankful that because of that their exchange was tempered.

"How dare you. How COULD you? How. Even." She wasn't actually saying anything in full sentences, so Rafael opened his mouth for the first time "Olivia", she'd pulled the Barba card but he wasn't going to sink as low as calling her Lieutenant, "I never meant for that conversation to end up like this" it was the truth "I wasn't asking you to purjure yourself, I was just asking you to consider holding back some colour in your testimony, in the very least carefully choose your words", "What's the difference? You're still asking me to lie, to live with lying" she barked back at him. Rafael sighed, he still didn't feel like she was hearing him. "Liv, you know full well the jury are going to take what you saw out of context, it isn't even key evidence and it will incorrectly skew the entire case, Jaxon will likely walk and Amy will perhaps have to live with the fact a completely unrelated, naive teenage mistake from years ago will help her attacker walk free.", she fired back answering him with another question "I thought you respected our justice system. I thought you believed in it?", "I do, but it's not perfect, it's not always fair" he replied quietly. He had long ago accepted the flaws in the American judicial system, but it was his job to exploit them for the greater good. "How could you possibly ask me to play God with those imperfections. To decide which facts a jury should hear. To lie?" This wasn't a new concept to her, and Rafael was having a little trouble understanding why should couldn't comprehend it this time round. "Liv it's not that black and white and you know it, you blurred that line for me. I wasn't asking you to outright lie, I wouldn't". She looked up to meet his gaze, "You are the only one that knew everything I went through the one and only time I wasn't 100% truthful on the stand, you know what I did, and what I said I'd never ever do again in the William Lewis trial." Great, she'd made it personal, and she was staring at him with a face of disappointment and angst that didn't help his resolve; it wasn't even about their current case anymore, but at least Rafael now had an idea why she'd responded so extremely to him.

He hated thinking about that time with Lewis, it made him feel sick, but he had come to the realisation that if he dwelled on it he'd have spiralled, plus Lewis was dead and their lives had moved on for the better. But in the midst of their argument, he felt that pain wash over him only adding to his awful day, and in that moment he didn't have any fight left in him. He couldn't do that to her, she was clearly thinking about _that_ time, and regardless of right or wrong, he didn't want to stir it up any more. "I'm sorry". He wasn't sorry about what he'd asked her to do, but he was absolutely sorry for feelings it had unintentionally dragged up.

She didn't acknowledge his apology as she purposefully closed their bedroom door making it clear she didn't want him to follow. Their first argument hadn't been long or loud, but it had hit him hard and it didn't feel resolved; feeling defeated Rafael shrugged his jacket back on and quietly closed their front door behind him. He needed some air and some clarity.

Finding himself in a bar a few blocks away, he slid onto a barstool and ordered a double Macallan, downing it in one the amber liquid burned his throat in a good way, he motioned at the bar tender for another. He didn't plan on getting drunk, the first was to take the edge off, the second was for him to nurse and mope into.

Rafael had always felt that he could speak freely with Olivia, he rarely censored speaking his thoughts with her even if he knew she might not agree. It was one of the reasons he loved working with her, their sides might sometimes be opposite, their perspectives and opinions differing, but they were always, always united by the pursuit of justice for victims. Even though he had more understanding, he still couldn't completely comprehend how it had spectacularly backfired this time, and nearly two hours later he still wasn't finding the answers in the bottom of his whisky glass or from the million bar peanuts he'd eaten instead of going to find some actual food. Signing the cheque, he motioned a thanks at the bartender as he left, he felt buzzed but not in a good way. Rafael wasn't drunk, but the whisky that was normally his liquid comrade and would take the edge off, had instead left him feeling sad still. "Traitor" he muttered into the empty street, he knew it was ridiculous chastising an inanimate object, but no one could hear him.

It was late, a lot later than Rafael had realised, and his mind was swimming as he flagged down a taxi and gave his address. It wasn't until he was putting his key in his lock that he realised where he'd ended up, his apartment. Not Liv's. Resigning himself to a night on his own, he leafed through his post finding nothing of particular interest except for one; a letter from his mortgage advisor with a contract for him to sign. He sighed, the world was cruel. A mortgage approval for their dream house should be a happy occasion, throwing the letter on the counter to deal with another time, he picked a bottle of water from the refrigerator and padded into his bedroom. Taking a long shower, desperate to wash away the day, he rested his head against the cold tiles feeling sleep envelope him as fast as the water did. Perhaps tomorrow, in the light of a new day, things would be better. Turning off the water, he slipped on fresh boxers and a t-shirt, ran a towel roughly through his damp hair, and fell into bed. He'd forgotten how much he loved his bed, it was the first thing he'd purchased when he'd moved in, sparing no expense on a mattress that felt like a cloud, although it was ironic considering how many nights he'd spent on his office couch instead.

Staring at the ceiling and letting out a long sigh, Rafael curled up burying his face into his pillow wishing for sleep, but like the universe was out to get him, he just couldn't settle. The sleepiness he felt in the shower completely evaded him, and he tossed and turned.

Across town Olivia was still fuming at him, even more so that he'd left. She hadn't heard anything, not even a text, and as much as she was mad, she worried that she didn't know if he was safe or not. She knew all too well the horrors of their city, and she hated the idea that if anything were to happen their last words would be cross ones. It wasn't enough to forgive him though, and Olivia was almost glad of the distraction when Noah appeared in her doorway "Mama, donde esta Papi?" ( _where is Daddy?_ ), his sleepy face and messy bed hair made her heart melt, not least the Spanish that had easily crept into his vocabulary lately, he was fast becoming bilingual. "He's had to go out sweet boy, come here" - it wasn't really a lie. Lifting the covers on Rafa's side so he could slip in beside her. "I had a bad dream Mama", 'Me too baby me too' she thought to herself, stroking her son's hair as his eyes drifted closed. Taking comfort from her little boy snuggled into her, and the rhythmic sensation of his chest rising and falling under her hand was enough to lull her to sleep too.

Rafael picked his phone up for what felt like 100th time to still see no message from Olivia, it was their first night since they got together (perhaps even before then) that they had not said any form of goodnight, and he felt awful, so awful it superseded their argument but not so much he would message her first. He was fully aware he was being petty, but it was in his DNA to hate losing, and that would feel like a loss. Yes, definitely petty.

Admitting defeat of sleep at least, he rolled back out of bed pulling on a hoodie and some joggers, the complete opposite of his daytime attire, pocketed his phone and keys and headed for the front door. New York might be the city that never sleeps, but at that time of night it didn't take long for his Uber to wind through the empty streets to Olivia's building. She might not be talking to him, but he would at least make sure he was there in the morning. He played back the conversation he and Olivia had in his office months ago _'Walking away isn't an option anymore. You have to be prepared to fight every time, even when things get tough',_ he had made a silent promise that day to live up to just that despite his sometimes emotional shortcomings, and he'd be damned if he was going to break that promise tonight. He was sure that subconsciously that's why he couldn't sleep too, he knew he was in the wrong when it came to leaving, and he knew he was in the wrong place.

Tiptoeing into the apartment, not wanting to try his luck with their bed, he opted for the couch. He knew his back wouldn't thank him in the morning, but perhaps Olivia would see his pending aching muscles as some kind of penance for him. He flopped down pulling the blanket draped over the back of the sofa over him, and before he had a chance to think, he was asleep.

Olivia was woken by an orange stream of light coming through the parting in the curtains, she knew it was the crack of dawn. Gently peeling off her son's leg and arm sprawled across her torso, like a ninja she slipped out of bed to get some water. Checking the time seeing she was right, 5.25am, she crept out towards the kitchen, thankful that she could perhaps get in another hour of shut eye before she had to face the day.

Instinctively, Olivia knew something was out of place as she left the bedroom, moving through the apartment her eyes rested on a sleeping Rafa. His mouth slightly parted, and his face looked tired and drawn even though he was asleep. Her heart momentarily soared; he came back. He didn't run. Olivia wasn't sure if it was the realisation that gave her the goosebumps that appeared on her arms, but taking in his sleeping form with his hood up and blanket tucked around his chin she realised it was also quite cold out here in their apartment. She knew their fight wasn't over, but she loved him, and how deeply she cared for him overtook any feeling of anger in that moment. Cupping his face with her hand and stroking her thumb across his cheek she whispered "Raf, wake up", shaking him gently. He must have been in a deep sleep as he jolted up right, "What, what, is everyone ok? Is Noah ok? You, you.." His eyes darted around her body taking her in "you're okay, you're here". Olivia had no idea what dream she must have woken him from, but he looked terrified. "Raf you're fine, we're all here, you're at home" she could visibly see the sleepy relief flood his brain. Grabbing his hand and tugging him forward with her, "come to bed, it's freezing out here". She wasn't going to give in and tell him she wanted him back in bed, so when he tried to speak mumbling "but.." She cut him off and simply said "It's your bed too". It was enough for Rafa to feel a little peace, that they could get through this, and he felt even more uplifted when he saw Noah asleep in the middle of the bed engulfed by pillows and duvet. For once Rafa would be more than grateful to wake up with Noah the wriggler's toes in his face.

They both settled into bed but things still felt a little frosty, there were no kisses, no touching not even a hand, and it felt wrong; but he was shattered, having had interrupted sleep peppered with nightmares. Instead of dissecting it all, he just cuddled Noah into him for comfort and fell back to sleep with his son's hand gripping his t-shirt.

Olivia was the first to rise in the morning, looking over as she left the room she shook her head and couldn't help but smile a little at the sight of Noah and Rafa clinging to each other as they slept, she was definitely outnumbered by boy's club, the two of them were thick as thieves even in sleep. Quietly she lifted Rafael's phone from the coffee table in the living room and checked his calendar, seeing he hadn't got meetings until 11am, she decided to let him sleep. She didn't feel completely over last night, but sleeping on it had helped, and she would always love Rafa so she wouldn't ever stop putting his wellbeing first.

Later that day Rafael made his way towards the precinct to witness a line up. Though he prayed that this wasn't going to be a case that ate into their weekend, that wasn't the biggest thing occupying his mind; he'd woken up a lot later than normal to an empty apartment so this was the first time he'd see Liv since the night before. When he'd woken up he'd initially panicked, first at the time and then at the emptiness, but that feeling had settled after finding a note from Olivia. _'Thought you could do with some more sleep, takeaway Luigi's on you tonight! Love you x'._ He knew it wasn't over, but the dust had settled and the 'Love you' scribbled in her handwriting had done wonders to lighten his heavy heart.

Stopping at their favourite coffee cart, he bought two coffees and her favourite muffin, he wasn't above taking in back up bribery. Taking a deep breath, he exited the elevator on their floor. It was pretty quiet, but her could see the top of her head through the office window, and as much as he was a little nervous he was mostly glad to see her.

"Hey. Peace offering?" He quietly said in jest from the threshold of her doorway. Snapping her head up, she looked at him hovering, it must be the first time ever that he'd hesitated invading her office space. "Don't tell me you've lost your famous big brass bravado Rafael Barba?" she teased him, "I wasn't sure if I was stepping into no man's land" he was a tiny bit serious. He connected eyes with her as she got up from her chair and rounded the desk. He offered out the coffee, "If you think my favourite coffee is going to win me over you've got another think coming", so he silently offered out the muffin, "oh, nice play", taking the bag from him and setting both things down. She leaned against her desk, and the jovial atmosphere evaporated as Rafael looked at her with sincerity in his features "Mi Amor, I'm so sorry", "I know, me too" she replied. He crossed the short space between them and stood close to her, his legs either side of hers, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. "Are you ok?" He knew she looked okay, but the overnight separation had felt like an eternity to him and he needed to hear it from her. "I am, I think. It all just came flooding back Rafa", "I never meant..", "I know you didn't.". He sighed and pulled her into him, workplace forgotten, her head on his chest and his fingers laced through her hair holding her close. "I love you", "I love you too", as her arms looped around his waist. Things still weren't completely resolved, Rafael still needed to know why that case had triggered her, and where he'd spectacularly poured fuel on the fire, but for now he could take this as a win. Now wasn't the time go deeper.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I just wanted to say thank you so much for the influx of lovely reviews, I started writing this because I felt a need to explore what could have been between Barson even though Raul left the show, but to know other people are enjoying this too is such a boost.**

 **Sorry it's taken a little while to update, but Christmas has been so busy! I finally found some time to pick it all up again. :-) I hope you all had a good festive holiday, however you celebrate! Here's hoping 2019 fulfils this promise from Mariska and Dick: 'Will Raúl Esparza be back?' "** _ **Yes. I can promise you that**_ **."!**

 **Chapter 11**

Several months had passed, and their one _hiccup_ as Rafael liked to consider it, was long forgotten. He hadn't completely uncovered what had triggered Olivia, but his common sense told him that it was inevitable that some of the horrors she'd seen and endured would resurface sometimes, and his 'Olivia sense' knew she'd talk to him about it if and when she was good and ready. Rafael hadn't felt the need to push her either, as they hadn't had any more incidents. Life had been a content whirlwind, with Olivia throwing herself into preparations for Captains exams. Secretly Rafael was glad she'd decided to go for it, she absolutely deserved the rank, but selfishly he also knew it would mean less field work for her and in his mind that meant she was safer. Whilst she'd been working double time to keep SVU in line, Rafael had been picking up more of their home life and he was loving it.

His bond with Noah felt stronger than ever, he'd admit to no one that for a while he'd had a nagging worry at the back of his mind that as Noah got older and could make his own decisions their bond would be more fragile than it was with Olivia, but that had been laid to rest.

Rafael looked across the baseball pitch at their son getting ready to bat, it was the last game of the season and he hoped Noah could go out on a high. "Wait for the right ball Mijo, patience". Noah had been a 'swing and hoper', until Rafael had started taking him to the park to practice regularly, they'd worked on watching out for the right pitched ball, and Noah was having a storming season. There was no pride like it; Rafael had thought the pinnacle feeling of pride was winning cases, looking over his shoulder to see Olivia in the courtroom just as happy as he was that justice had been served, but now he knew nothing compared to seeing his son achieve, especially something he'd taught him. He watched Noah's steely gaze at the pitcher as a ball sailed past him, 'wait' Rafael muttered to himself. As the second ball hurtled towards Noah, he watched with his heart in his mouth as bat connected with ball and sailed through the air. "GO GO GO!", Rafael didn't know when he had become _that_ Dad but he didn't care, especially when after celebrating his home run with his team Noah turned to find Rafael's face in the crowd, beaming and punching the air as their eyes connected.

"I'm still holding onto that bet that you'll be coaching this time next year" the familiar voice still sent tingles through him as he felt lips on his cheek, "How did you escape the precinct?" Leaning round to kiss Olivia properly with a smile he couldn't ever hold back around her, "the case is an open and close, I've just finished taking a statement with Amanda a couple of blocks away", "I'm glad you made it", "Couldn't miss the last of the season!", Rafa put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to his side. Thanks to a scorcher of a summer and a warmer than usual autumn the season had run into early November to make up postponed games from when it was just too hot to play. Although it was a mild day in New York for the time of year, in actual fact they were hurtling towards Christmas. "Do you fancy taking Noah out to celebrate his season?" Rafa asked Olivia, she grimaced "I have to head back to the precinct to finish up" she sounded dejected, Rafael knew she hated missing out on family time. "That's okay, Noah and I can head home for a few hours and we can meet you after, we don't have to go right away?" Rafael gave her a squeeze as he caught her smile in his peripheral vision, "That'd be great". Olivia waved across the field at Noah so he knew she'd made it, "I hate to disappear…", "Mi amor, go, the sooner you go the sooner you can finish up". He kissed her again, and gave her a nudge "I love you Rafa, don't think it doesn't go unnoticed all the extra you've been doing", "We're a team Liv, I love you too". Olivia's heart soared, they'd been together a while but Rafa still had the ability to make her insides melt. She had meant what she said too, she was fully aware that he'd been balancing a full case load whilst picking up a large portion of her share of parenting. She missed her time with them both, but if you could get Captaincy her work life balance would be better than it ever had been. With one more quick kiss she disappeared from the field, hoping that she could finish up in extra quick time.

The game had finished, and Rafael watched as Noah dragged his kit bag towards him, and moved to meet him half way. Noah was talking a mile a happy minute, "Papi did you see me, it went OUT OF THE PARRRRK. I waited, just like we practiced. It worked! We won Papi!" Swinging Noah's bag over his shoulder and grabbing his sons hand, they headed for the side walk. "I did mijo, you were amazing! See, la práctica hace la perfección ( _practice makes perfect_ ). We're going to celebrate later, we'll go wherever you want!", "Will Mama make it?", "She will, she saw your home run you know. She's sorry she couldn't stay", "I know, maybe she was my amuletos de la suerte ( _lucky charm_ ), she came just in time Dad!", "Well she's definitely my lucky charm mijo, I bet she's yours too". His son beamed up at him, Rafael loved moments like this.

Back at their apartment, changed from baseball gear and sipping drinks at the breakfast bar, "So, fancy helping me with a super secret project?" Noah looked up curiously, and Rafael held a courtroom poker face, "YEAH!" Noah yelled, "But you have to promise to keep it a secret between us, you cannot tell Mama yet" Rafael was letting his son in on something serious. "I swear on oath Daddy" putting one hand over his heart, and placing his other hand on Rafael's. Just when Rafael didn't think Noah could wrap him round his little finger any more, the kid pulled stunts like that, and he loved him more than he knew possible. Rafael mimicked his son, placing his hands over Noah's, "It's _under_ oath mijo, and you better grab your coat then!" Leaning down to kiss his head and lifted him from the stool onto the floor.

For months Rafael had quietly been negotiating their new home, and Olivia knew nothing about it. The papers finalising their mortgage had come when they'd fallen out, and a good time to bring it up hadn't immediately materialised. After a while, he'd decided just to say nothing and surprise Olivia, she had enough on as it was. Olivia had asked a few times about the house but eventually had dropped the subject, whilst she lived on believing it had fallen through, they had actually been in escrow. Rafael had been arranging surveyors and appraisals, and finally they'd completed two days previously. It had been a little bittersweet, he'd always imagined going to pick up the keys to their first home together with Olivia and Noah, and he hoped that what he had planned would make up for him taking that moment away from her too.

Walking through the park with Noah, he looked at his watch, he reckoned they'd have two hours at most before Olivia would head home. "Papi where are we going?", Noah had asked a hundred questions since being brought in on the secret, but Rafa was keeping him in suspense. As they passed through the same gate he and Olivia had months ago he slowed his pace and asked Noah a question "So what do you think?", "Of what Dad?", "This street?", "That's a weird question" but Noah pondered his answer still "I like that it's by the park!", "I like that too. What do you think about living here?" Rafael asked carefully, he was in uncharted waters with no back up. He hadn't been able to discuss any of this with Olivia first, all in the name of the surprise, and if Noah hated the idea he could be in trouble. Noah was quiet, "With you _and_ Mama?", Rafael stopped in the street and crouched down to be eye level with Noah. "You, me, and Mama. What do you think?", in an instant Noah's eyes were bright "We're going to live HERE!", "Yes we are mijo". They were nearing their new front door when Noah spoke again "But if we're all living here, why can't Mama know?", "Because your Mama and I saw this house a while ago, but she didn't think we'd been able to buy it, but we have, it's our house now and so it's going to be a big surprise.", "That's so cool" Noah was satisfied by the answer.

They came to a stop in front of the black front doors with a shiny silver knocker that he and Olivia had chanced their luck on, and Rafael pulled a set of keys from his pocket and picked out one, holding it out to Noah. "Fancy being the first ever person to open our front door?", "YEAH!", holding his phone out and flipping the camera to video Rafael hit record, at least Olivia could see this moment afterwards. "Go on then Noah!", he watched as Noah used two hands to turn the key in the lock, and exclaimed "We really live here!", Rafael couldn't help but laugh from behind the camera as Noah pushed the door open. Hitting stop, he gave Noah a little nudge to go in. "Can I see my room?!" Noah had asked, Rafael wanted to let him explore, but he had to save something for Olivia "Do you think you could wait for Mama? I think she'd love to be here for that?", Noah looked a little crestfallen, so Rafael pushed on "But do you think you could help me with a… Christmas tree?", the bedroom request was clearly instantly forgotten at the mention of Christmas. "I thought we could put up a Christmas tree, and give Mama an early present?", "I think she'd love it!".

Rafael and Noah spent the next hour setting up and decorating a Christmas tree, that he'd had the foresight to get delivered. Rafa had every intention of them going to get a real one together as a family closer to Christmas, but the artificial one that now stood proudly in the middle of their hallway with 75% of its decorations in one spot where Noah could reach, looked perfect. Rafael reached down and flipped the power switch as the tree lit up. "Yeah Mama's going to love this Dad!".

As Noah said it, like some weird 7th sense, Rafael's phone vibrated in his pocket, Olivia's name across the screen. "Hi Liv", he lifted his finger to his lips in a motion to remind Noah everything they had done was a secret. The little boy stood stock still for the entirety of their conversation, though he could only hear one side "Do you want to head home and change before dinner?", "Okay, yeah that sounds good. We'll see you soon", "Love you too". Hanging up he looked to Noah, "Okay mijo, ready for operation surprise Mama?", "YEAH! I think this is what Santa must feel like on Christmas Eve!" Noah said excitedly, Rafael laughed "Definitely".

They locked up and headed back through the park talking about options for dinner, it might be a big surprise for Olivia, but he hadn't forgotten that it was also the close of Noah's baseball season so he was standing by their plan that Noah could choose. "Can we have pizza?", if Rafael was a betting man he'd put money on Noah choosing Pizza every time. "Yes we can. How about we surprise Mama and then go for pizza?", "Yep!" Noah was easily pleased when it came to pizza or ice cream.

The two of them beat Olivia home by the skin of their teeth, leaving them just enough time to take off their coats, turn on the tv and jump on the coach before they heard her key in the lock of their door. Noah sprang up from the sofa and ran to Olivia, a move that was usually reserved for Rafael, she hid her surprise well as she lifted her son into a cuddle, but Rafael could read her and he held a breath, sending a prayer that Noah could keep his lips sealed for just an hour more. "You made it Mama!" Noah squeezed just a little tighter, and Rafael exhaled to himself, understanding that Noah was just talking about his baseball game. "I saw you bat sweet boy. You were amazing!", "Thanks! Can we go for pizza now?". "The choice of our star player" Rafael filled her in as he kissed Olivia hello. "Yes, just let me get changed".

Noah had fidgeted for the whole 25 minutes it took for them all to get ready to leave, so when they reached the park that he and Noah had walked through just hours ago he was silently glad that Noah chose to run just ahead. "Where's this pizza place then?" Oh just a few blocks up, we've not tried it before but apparently it's good. How was work?" Rafael changed the subject as they walked hand in hand towards the now familiar park corner. "Not too bad, I got the date for my Captains exam, 25th January", "Thats great Liv, you know you're ready for this right?", Olivia squeezed his hand and was about to reply when her phone rang. Olivia walked and talked, distracted by her conversation she allowed Rafael to guide her along.

The phone call, though not planned, served their surprise well as Olivia clearly hadn't been paying attention to where they were going. Noah was jumping from foot to foot in anticipation clutching a small present in his hands whilst Rafael leant against the gate post, before it began to dawn on Olivia that something was going on. Rafael watched her intently as her eyes moved from Noah, to the front door, to Rafael, and up the house front "I'm going to have to call you back" she said to whoever was on the end of the phone, and hung up. Before she could say anything Noah yelled "HAPPY CHRISTMAS!" and thrust the small gift box in his hands towards Olivia who looked shocked, trying to connect everything together. Olivia's eyes connected with Rafaels, who had what could only be described as a shit eating grin plastered across his face. "Wha..", Olivia began to speak, "Open it" Rafael cut off her question. Pulling off the top of the box Olivia saw a key, she didn't really know what she was expecting to find. "Try it Mama!", Noah grabbed at Olivia's sleeve and she let him pull her towards the front door. Slipping the key in the lock, she turned the key and swung the door open. She was greeted by a haphazardly dressed Christmas tree that she immediately loved, as Noah jumped in front of her yelling "We're going to live here!". Olivia still couldn't find words, as she spun around to find Rafael behind her, watching the moment unfold. "Merry Christmas" he said softly. "I don't understand, what is this? How? How did you do all this, is it really ours?" Olivia had a lot of questions, even though she doubted she'd be able to process any answers she was given. "A story for later, but yes.", Olivia still didn't know what to say, so instead stepped forward so she was nose to nose with Rafael and kissed him still clutching the key in one hand as the other slipped around the back of his neck. They were bought back to reality with exaggerated vomiting noises coming from the direction of Noah, making them laugh. Before they broke apart Rafael kissed her forehead and whispered "Bienvenido a casa" ( _Welcome Home)_.

Turning back to face their son's amateur dramatics, Rafael looped his arm around Olivia, "Daddy can I see my room now please?", "Yes you can", as Noah ran ahead them up the stairs barely waiting for an answer. Olivia looked at him questioningly, "I had to save some of the excitement for you!", "You didn't think a whole house was enough?" Olivia laughed as she looked at Rafa, "I can't believe you did all this", "You had enough on mi amor, now I believe our son is waiting" as he gently pushed her towards _their_ stairs.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Time had sailed by, and before Olivia and Rafael knew it Christmas and New Year had been and gone. They'd moved into their new home, thanks to a lot of help from their friends, though they still had a room full of boxes that neither of them wanted to tackle and preferred to keep the door closed on. It had been easier than they thought merging their lives into one home, mostly because Rafael had lived a clutter free life with a majority of his belongings consisting of books and suits; Olivia and Noah on the other hand had more possessions than he could comprehend. Once they had started packing, the boxes had been endless, his girlfriend was a bona fide secret hoarder! The new house had his office though, his simple sanctuary, so he let the rest slide; plus, living with Olivia and Noah, knowing they would always start and end their days together couldn't feel more right.

Sadly, New York criminals didn't pause for the festive season, if anything their caseloads increased. Neither Olivia or Rafael would ever be able to comprehend why people fuelled by drink at Christmas parties were incensed to do such stupid things, a majority of the cases they picked up were by first time offenders, who couldn't even remember, or deeply regretted their actions. Either way it didn't pardon what they had done, and it meant that January was always incredibly busy.

Rafael was in his office awaiting a jury outcome, he'd been in court all week arguing a gang rape case and he'd just completed his closing argument. Their victim Zoe Pope had been at her company Christmas retreat when 3 of her colleagues, fuelled by an unlimited free bar and only canapés to counter the enormous intake of alcohol, had raped her in a hot tub. It was a tragic story of uninhibited, intoxicated abuse; one couldn't remember a thing, one swore blind it was consensual and had proof of previous encounters with Zoe, and the third person was a female colleague. It was 2019, and along with the fact that one of the accused was female, a rare occurrence for these types of cases, had whipped up a media storm. It had been a difficult case, as they had little DNA evidence thanks to the hot tub location, but Rafael was convinced all three were guilty and together with SVU they had pulled together a strong case.

There was a tap at Rafael's office door, and it swung open before he could reply to reveal Olivia. "Hey, sorry I couldn't make closing arguments today", she crossed his office to him and gave him a hello kiss. There used to be days where they couldn't control the heat in his office once the door closed, but now they had plenty of their own space, it was a little easier to simmer things down.

"That's alright, is everything ok?" Rafael looked into her eyes not stepping away, loving the sense of calm her closeness always brought him. "Yeah, a witness statement just took a lot longer than I thought" she replied, with one more chaste kiss. She held up a bag, "I bought you lunch, I didn't think you'd want to battle the press gaggle outside". Rafael very slightly tipped his head, "You are my angel", Olivia smiled "You might want to take that back when I tell you they ran out of pastrami, I got you chicken", before he could fake his disgust at the lack of his favourite sandwich Olivia uttered the magic words "I did get you a doughnut though". "Hermoso ANGEL, I tell you" _(beautiful)._ Olivia couldn't help but laugh at him, snacks and treats always won him over.

"How did it go?" Olivia brought it back to business as Rafael set his lunch down on his desk, shoving his hands in his pockets and pursing his lips. "As well as hoped, I don't know if we'll get a clean sweep. I have a feeling the jury believe there was a prior relationship with the second defendant, and so it could throw reasonable doubt that it was consensual before the others joined." Rafael looked at the floor momentarily, and then allowed his eyes to meet Olivia's before adding "But now we wait".

Olivia knew that this case had been a heavy one, and she felt a little guilty that she hadn't been able to support Rafael in person more. Her teams case load was off the charts, and every day was even more unpredictable than usual. "Whatever happens, I know you gave it your best Rafa" Olivia rest both her hands on his forearms, as his found her waist. "Thanks mi amor" Rafael kissed her again, it had been one of those weeks where he felt like they had been passing ships, so he was taking his chance just to be them.

Olivia pulled away, "Right, I have to go", Rafael didn't try to hide his disappointment, "Sorry it's a flying visit, Fin and I have to pick up a suspect for questioning in the Jackson case". Rafael knew her days were as busy as his, and as much as he'd hoped she could have stayed for lunch, he wasn't going to make it harder for her "Ok, see you at home?" He said with a smile. "I don't think hearing that will ever grow old you know?" Olivia replied to him, feeling a little fluttery. "Hey, let me know if the jury come back? I want to try and be with Zoe for the verdict" she added, Olivia also felt bad that she hadn't been on hand to support Zoe today, there had been a surprising number of people who had turned their backs on her in favour of protecting themselves, the company, and their jobs. "I will, I love you" Rafael kissed his girlfriend one last time before letting her go. "I love you too Raf".

It had been several hours and there was still no word from the jury, Rafael had suspected they'd be out for a while deliberating, and guessed they'd adjourn over the weekend. Olivia had text to say she might be late home, that they had finally won their battle with New York traffic and made it to the suspects address, but when they'd arrived he wasn't there, so instead they were keeping the mother company to avoid her raising the alarm.

Rafael was elbow deep in the files of the Jackson case, so he could be ready in case they needed him to witness the interrogation. He had a feeling this weekend was going to be one where he and Olivia saw more of their offices than they did of their home. Pre-empting he had tried to call Lucy to ask her if she could have Noah, but getting her voicemail he left a message and turned back to his work. Worst case, he knew his Mami would jump at the chance to spend time with Noah, and a secret part of him hoped that Olivia's suspect didn't show up at all so they could have a break. After some intense family time over Christmas and New Year, he found himself missing the chance to be the three of them a lot more than usual.

Rafael was bought out of his day dream by the vibrating of his phone on the desk, momentarily the thought that the verdict was in crossed his mind, until he saw the name of Noah's school on his screen. A tingling fear washed across him, he knew it was irrational, but he couldn't help but let his mind assume the worst. Swiping to answer, "Mr Barba?", Rafael composed himself "Speaking.", The voice on the other end of the phone sounded overly measured, "I'm calling about Noah, I'm afraid he's had an accident". Rafael felt the blood drain to his feet, "I'll be there in 15 minutes. What's happened?" Rafael had already lifted his coat and was heading out into the corridor. "He's on his way to Mercy General, he lost consciousness so we couldn't wait" the voice on the end of the phone replied, Rafael felt sick. Ignoring the person on the end of the line he held the phone away from him as if it would pause the world and give him a chance to breathe, and instead addressed Carmen "Get hold of Olivia, tell her to get to Mercy General, she's with Fin." Carmen looked shocked, and just nodded understanding an emergency was unfolding.

"Hello? hello?" Rafael could faintly hear the voice from Noah's school calling out, returning the phone to his ear and said "Is he ok? What happened?", "Noah collided with a goal post, Mrs Dawson is with him in the ambulance". Rafael hung up, he couldn't hear any more, his head felt like it was in a fishbowl as he made his way out of the courthouse. Thankfully, most of the media had dispersed, but a few called out to him. Ignoring them, which wasn't unusual, he flagged the first cab he saw and slid into the back seat. "Mercy General, and I'll pay you double if you get there quick" he snapped to the driver. He knew it was borderline rude, but he couldn't comprehend what was happening. There was nothing to compare to the dread that came with knowing your child wasn't okay. Rafael tried to call Olivia, but with no answer he desperately hoped that Carmen had had better luck.

The ride to the hospital had felt like the longest trip he'd ever taken, even though in actuality the driver had succeeded in his double pay challenge. The closer they'd got to 32nd street, the colder Rafael felt, even beads of sweat smattered his hairline. All he could think of was Noah in hospital without either of them with him, scared and hurt; and his mind had conjured up the most horrific images, a melting pot of the horrors that he'd seen over the years. Rafael knew that it wasn't realistic, but he could barely hold composure let alone be rational.

Pushing a wedge of $20 bills through the gap in the screen to the driver, Rafael made off from the cab into the ER. "I'm looking for Noah Benson." He said to the first member of medical staff that crossed his path, Rafael was pointed in the direction of the receptionist, and it was from there than his world felt like it was caving in on him.

"I'm his Dad, what do you mean I can't see him?" Rafael was desperately trying not to let his anger go full blown Cuban rage at the receptionist who clearly had little sympathy for him with his attitude said "I'm sorry, family members only". Rafael was outraged, "My son is here, injured, and you won't let me see him at all?", the receptionist stood firm "I'm sorry its policy, you aren't a legal guardian or listed parent. I suggest you take a seat or call someone who can meet you here". Rafael's mouth parted in exasperation, he was torn between rage and defeat. Stalking away from the desk without another word, he called Olivia for the hundredth time, getting more and more annoyed that she wasn't answering.

Rafael paced the waiting room, he'd tried everything; calling the school, who were still trying to reach the teacher with Noah, Lucy, Finn, Amanda, Sonny, even Dodd's. Carmen hadn't had any better luck either, it was just a perfect storm that left Rafael feeling helpless and angry. Minutes felt like hours when a message popped up from Amanda "I got her, she's 30 minutes away". It wasn't enough to relax Rafael though, anything could happen in 30 minutes, and it felt like an eternity before he saw Olivia running through the doors. She spotted him and sank into his arms that automatically hugged her body close, but the relief that came with Olivia's presence this time forced his anger to boil over. "¿Dónde diablos has estado?" _(Where the hell have you been?)._

Olivia stepped back from him, "I don't even have time to work out what that means but I suggest you calm down". She was in warrior mode, and before Rafael could catch up she was at the reception desk he'd stalked away from not long before asking for Noah's whereabouts.

The hours passed in a blur, the moment that Olivia had seen Noah's pale sleeping face in a hospital bed with his head bandaged, her façade had dropped. Her voice cracked as she took his small hand in hers and stroked his cheek "We're here sweet boy" she uttered. Rafael had held back the tears threatening in his eyes, enough to hear and update from Noah's teacher who explained he had been tackled by another child in a game of soccer and had collided head first with a goal post, before excusing herself to give their family some privacy. Noah had been unconscious for less than a minute, but had cut his forehead and the paramedics were concerned about brain bleeds and concussion. They learned their boy had been brave throughout, until he was whisked off for an MRI scan now that they were there to consent, and he'd cried breaking them both in two. With his teacher gone, and his Mama and Papi there instead, the adrenaline had worn off and Noah was scared, he'd been sick, and then sedated for the scan. Now all they had left to do was wait for the results as Noah slept, they were exhausted, and the room was silent.

Normally these were situations that made Olivia and Rafael a formidable team, but this time neither addressed the other. No comforting holding of hands, hugs, or whispered words; Rafael was angry at everyone, including himself. He was angry at Olivia for not answering her phone, angry at the receptionist for denying him access, angry at the school for not connecting him to the teacher, and mostly angry at himself for not ensuring this would ever be an issue. He was a man of the law, he had already raised his concern about not being officially connected to Noah, the papers even already existed, but they just hadn't prioritised the time to sort it out, life had just run away from them.

Rafael was radiating anger from his position leant up against the window sill in Noah's room, and Olivia didn't have time for him. All she could focus on was her poorly boy, who suddenly seemed so tiny in a big hospital bed, and nothing at all like their bouncing, full of sunshine, nearly 6 year old.

A doctor entered the room, and they both wordlessly stood to address him, "It's good news, Noah's scans came back clear." The air left both of them simultaneously in relief, Rafael gripped the window sill, and Olivia clung the rail of Noah's bed as the Doctor continued, "We're going to keep him in for monitoring tonight, just in case of concussion, but as long as nothing crops up tonight, you can take him home tomorrow".

"Thank you, thank you" was all Olivia could say, as Rafael stayed silent. "No problem, I'm just glad he's come out relatively unscathed. It could have been much worse. A nurse will be in shortly" the doctor said with a smile and then left the room.

Olivia turned to face Rafael, it was the first time they'd properly acknowledged each other since the waiting room, each of them preoccupied by their own turmoil. Rafael crossed the room to Noah and kissed the forehead of his sleeping son, "sé valiente mijo, Papi te quiere mucho" _(Be brave son, Daddy loves you very much)._ Rafael paused for a moment taking in Noah's features whilst feeling his resolve crumbling, he desperately needed to cry, but not here. "I can't do this ever again Olivia", and with that he left the room leaving Olivia staring open mouthed at the empty space that Rafael had just occupied.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Opting for the stairwell instead of the lift, Rafael raced down the flights of stairs as if his life depended on it. He had never felt anything like it, an onslaught of too many feelings that he couldn't cope with and he felt like he was shutting down. The freezing winter air hit his face as the door to the stair well slammed closed behind him, but he couldn't feel anything, didn't even take in his surroundings as he sank back against the wall and sobbed, letting out everything he'd been holding in, as well as everything he hadn't realised he'd been holding in too. It was so out of character that if he'd seen himself, he wouldn't have recognised his own reflection, but the whole experience had broken him and the dam had burst.

Normally Olivia would have been the first person he'd call, but he couldn't this time and it made everything he was feeling worse, knowing the other half of him couldn't help. She was with Noah, where she needed to be, where he should be, but the state he was in meant he was no good to anyone and he knew it.

Rafaels mind felt foggy, a headache pulsated through his temples, and everything felt insurmountable. At a complete loss, he dialled the number of the one person he knew would always be his unwavering rock, Lucia.

"Mami?" Rafael had choked out, the phone had barely rung before he heard her answer and the sound of his mothers voice had only made him cry harder. If Lucia Barba had been shocked, it didn't show, "Mijo, ¿Qué ha pasado?" _(What's happened?)._ "Noah" was all that Rafael could say. "respirar hondo Rafi" ( _deep breath_ ) his mothers voice soothed him through the phone, Rafael looked to the sky and did as he was told squeezing his eyes closed and praying for any sense of calm. "Where are you Mijo?" Lucia asked, and Rafael filled her in as evenly as he could. His mother had insisted on coming to meet him, and he stayed where he was as he waited. Normally he would have argued with her not to, that it was unnecessary, that he could handle things without her, that he was not a child any more. But in this moment, all he needed was her.

No time seemed to have passed at all, locked deep in his swirling mind, when Lucia Barba strode across the carpark. Like a homing beacon, she'd spotted her dishevelled son as soon as she'd driven into the carpark, he looked grey and his eyes were red rimmed. The only other time she'd seen him like this, was when his Grandmother had passed away, not that he knew she'd seen him like that. He'd cried uncontrollably in his childhood bedroom, she'd heard him and spied him sat hunched over on his old bed, but at the time she'd know her son needed to grieve and so did she in their own ways so she'd crept away, but not this time.

Lucia was proud of her son and how he had taken to fatherhood with Noah, she saw change in him that she had for a while lost hope she'd see. He was more carefree, more loving, much happier, now that his life didn't solely revolve around a courtroom and dark cases. As for Olivia Benson, she was a hija _(daughter)_ of dreams, she knew Olivia would be good for her son when he'd told her she drove him a little crazy; they were a force to be reckoned with separately but formidable together. Secretly, in her old wisdom, she knew that her Rafi had changed Olivia too, but it wasn't her place to say. Over the years she'd seen Olivia from time to time in the courthouse waiting for Rafael to go to lunch, she'd watched them interact and had seen a spark even back then, but Olivia appeared to be a closed book, a completely capable woman standing on her own two feet, focused on her work. Lucia had seen their love develop, watched them become a team in a different dimension, and she couldn't be happier for them both, but now in their deepest turmoil she could be the strength they both needed.

Approaching Rafael she pulled him up and into a hug, feeling her sons arms wrap around her in a way he hadn't done for many years. They embraced silently for a moment, before Lucia took the reigns, "Let's get a coffee hmm". Not waiting for an answer, she lead her son away from the hospital towards the sidewalk, knowing that a little space from the building housing his turmoil would do him good.

They entered a small coffee shop just a couple of blocks away, Rafael had been silent as they walked, Lucia's arm looped through his comfortingly, Rafaels hand's shoved into his pockets. Lucia guided Rafael to a seat, and went to order two coffees, taking in the sight of her defeated son as she waited to be served.

Placing their drinks and some cake on the table, she took the seat opposite her son as Rafael looked at his Mami properly for the first time since she'd arrived. He couldn't really even remember any of the walk. "Mijo, everything is going to be okay. You know that right? And what you're feeling is normal". Rafael let his mother continue her ramble, he tried to take in most of what she was saying as he let the hot coffee burn his throat, it was like the pain bought him back to reality a little. His mother pushed the cake towards him, "Eat. And don't try telling me you aren't hungry". She knew her son, he had never in his life been unable to eat cake.

As Rafael picked at his food, the conversation flowed a little better, Lucia still did most of the talking, but he was starting to feel the ground beneath his feet again. They talked about why he felt like he did, and what the Doctor had said, Lucia did he best to reassure him, until Rafael realised his mother had slipped into proactive mode. She had granted her son a melt down and helped piece him back together enough to face the world again, but she was all too aware that Olivia was still coping alone, even if Rafael hadn't come to that realisation yet.

"I'm going to get a coffee to take to Olivia, the hospital's excuse for espresso is no good for anyone" Lucia said as she slid her chair backwards. In that moment it dawned on Rafael that he had abandoned Olivia in a time of need, he had promised never to run, but he had. This was different though wasn't it? Instead of letting his mind drag him back into a downward spiral, he used to it to fuel him forward and into action.

"I'm going to head home Mami". Lucia looked surprised as her son spoke, "to pack a bag for Olivia tonight, and get some of Noah's things" Rafael quickly added. Lucia smiled at her son, he still looked drawn but she could see the fighter in him making a comeback. She kissed her son's cheek and gave him another hug, "I'll meet you back at the hospital mijo".

Before leaving, Rafael made a point of thanking his mother, he couldn't express how grateful he was to have her, especially in that moment, "gracias por estar aqui por nosotros Mami" _(Thank you for being here for us)_ , Rafael specifically said 'us', as he knew that although she was his Mami, Olivia and Noah were of equal priority to her. "siempre Rafi" _(Always)_ Lucia patted his cheek tenderly.

As Rafael left the coffee shop, he registered for the first time how cold it was, hailing a cab to take him home. Pulling his phone from his pocket as the taxi navigated the streets of Manhattan, he dialled a number that he should have called a long time ago.

Back in the hospital, Lucia quietly tapped on the door of Noah's room. In front of her Olivia was slumped back in a chair to the side of Noah's bed, her grandson was asleep, and Olivia looked tired. "Hija" Lucia said quietly, so not to wake Noah, thinking he was just asleep. Olivia's face snapped up to see a woman she'd come to love in the doorway, and she felt a warmth that she didn't know she'd been missing envelope her. Olivia hadn't known true parental love, but she imagined it was what she felt when Lucia Barba had woven into her life. Standing up the she hugged the closest thing to a loving mother she'd experienced, and felt strength from her.

Lucia passed Olivia the coffee and a bag of food, "I thought you'd need this" she whispered. "Thank you so much, and he's sedated, it's ok" Olivia explained. "Have you had any more updates?" Lucia asked in a more normal voice, pulling up a chair next to Olivia's and softly caressing Noah's face before taking a seat. The two women chatted, and then sat in amicable silence, Olivia hadn't asked about Rafael, but the atmosphere in the room still felt a lot lighter.

Across the city Rafael packed a bag for Olivia knowing she would want to stay the night with Noah, and swapped his suit for some comfier clothes planning to stay as long as he could before visiting hours were over, before heading back to the hospital to face the music. He wasn't sure of the reception he'd get, but he was determined to show up and be the support he should have been earlier in the day.

Leaning against the frame of the doorway, Rafael took in the sight in front of him. Olivia lay in Noah's bed, cradling him against her, both asleep, and Lucia was no where to be seen. Quietly placing the bag on the floor he crossed the room to the bedside, tucked Eddie the elephant in next to Noah, and stroked Olivia's hair, tucking a strand behind her ear as he kissed her temple. Olivia stirred, and her eyes met his, Rafael just hoped his conveyed that he was incredibly sorry. He braced himself for Olivia's reaction as she carefully lowered herself from the bed, not disturbing Noah. They stood inches apart, in second Olivia took in Rafaels features, he'd been crying that was for sure, and he looked pale despite his natural Cuban tan, which made her heart ache for him.

Olivia hadn't been cross with Rafa, worried yes, but not cross. Perhaps it was the years of being in hospital with Noah whilst he fought viruses and flu that had better prepared her for days like today, but Rafael hadn't had that, nothing could have readied him for all the feelings that he'd experienced. She had wanted to go after him, but she knew she couldn't leave Noah, so she'd just focused on her son believing in Rafael that he'd come back when he'd had some time.

Olivia reached a hand up and cupped Rafael's cheek, "Are you ok?". Her simple question was enough to settle his nerves, and he closed the gap between them scooping her into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry Liv. I'm so sorry I didn't handle this better, I'm sorry I left". Olivia leant up to kiss him, "Stop saying sorry. Everything is okay, Noah is fine, we are fine Rafa" she held his gaze to make sure he was really hearing her. Resting his forehead against hers, Rafael closed his eyes and sighed, "This has been an awful day". Olivia chuckled, "That's a big statement considering everything we've seen over the years!", Rafael couldn't help but crack a small smile, the first since that morning. He kissed Olivia again, and once more, lacing his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck as hers rested low on his hips, each connection making him feel more whole again.

A croaky "Ewwwww", not dissimilar to his morning voice, emitted from Noah across the room. "If you needed any sign that he's okay, then that's it!" Olivia said quietly as she gave a reassuring squeeze to Rafael where her hands lay. Grabbing hold of Olivia's hand for strength making a bee line for the bed. "How's that head mijo?" He asked gently cupping Noah's chin, Noah's eyes glinted with their usual cheekiness, and replied "I think my brain fell out, theres no reason for me to go to school ever again!". "Oh really!" Rafael felt relieved hearing his jokey son.

They stayed vigil at Noah's bedside late into the evening, he'd eaten a little soup and recanted his ambulance ride before falling back to sleep, nurses had come in periodically to wake him and check his obs, and Olivia and Rafael had stayed close to each other. Rafael couldn't help but regret his reaction from earlier, wishing he'd been strong enough to act like the team they were now at the time, but Olivia had repeatedly reassured him it was all okay. When the time came for him to head home, he really didn't want to leave them both, but in the end the ward staff had given him his marching orders.

"I'll be here first thing in the morning mi amor" Rafael kissed the top of her head, where it lay on his shoulder. "Oh that reminds me, Lucia is going to watch him for us tomorrow afternoon" Olivia said into the room from her spot. Rafael shifted under her, making Olivia sit up, "Actually Liv, if Noah is up to it, I've made us an appointment tomorrow afternoon". Olivia was confused, and her face showed it, Rafael carried on "I called Judge Linden today. She said she'd see us in her chambers tomorrow to complete the adoption. I know it's hasty, I know Noah might not be up for it, and if he's not we'll move it, but I couldn't do this again, I couldn't go another day knowing I wasn't officially Noah's Dad, I can't ever have someone refuse to let me be there for him like they did today."

If Rafael thought his Mother could ramble, he'd definitely inherited it from her. It didn't happen often, but when he was nervous and speaking from the heart and not a prepared speech, he could take Lucia on any day.

Olivia leant in, put two hands on Rafaels face, and kissed him deeply. It was borderline inappropriate for where they were, but no one saw. Olivia now understood what he'd meant earlier in the day when he'd said he 'couldn't do this again', and even though she'd have perhaps given Noah more recovery time, she fully understood Rafael's sentiment. They needed to be an official family, so as long as Noah was discharged and okay, they'd do it.

"You better get home then, the sooner you do, the sooner tomorrow will come" Olivia smiled into their kiss.

 **A/N - A little bit of a filler chapter, but I'm so looking forward to you reading the next one! :-D I hope you still enjoyed!**


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